Thursday, 20 September 2012

Swindler's blunt.

13:00:00 Posted by Damp incendiary device , 3 comments
SCENE: A large garden somewhere in England.  Two boys sit cross-legged in the tree-house.  A third, PEASANT, is throwing a ball for a small terrier on the grass.

NAVAL CAPTAIN: Right, listen up.  All these toys here - these are mine OK?  And the tent is mine and all the grass and the tree house and the pond. 
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: I've been next door and swapped Peasant's sandwiches for their dad's Stanley Knife.  What do you think about that?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Good work Merch.  Any more where that came from? 
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Peasant's left his jumper up here so technically it belongs to you.  You want me to head back next door and negotiate for a hammer?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Do it.  And I'll get Peasant to make us a bow and some arrows.  The girls next door are always screaming at each other.  If we can sell weapons to one of them, it doesn't matter which, the screaming should stop and we can take advantage of the loser - they'll be dying to trade all their stuff with us.
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: I could even leave a few things with the winner - get them to do the trading for us, then go back to collect our prizes next week. 

PEASANT CLIMBS INTO TREE-HOUSE

PEASANT: What prizes?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Ah, I'm glad you're here.  We were just talking about the beautiful bow and arrows you knocked up.  Merch here reckons you've not the skill to do it twice but I say that if I gave you your own corner, say for instance...the patch under the brambles, that you could knock one up before supper.  What do you say?
PEASANT: Have you seen my sandwich?  I left it here...
NAVAL CAPTAIN: I don't think you realise what the girls next door have been planning do you?
PEASANT: Girls?  Did they take my sandwich?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Does a cat have nine tails?  Look, the point is those girls are dangerous.  They are wild.  They'll stop at nothing to get what they want.
PEASANT: What do they want?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: They want Jack.
PEASANT: They want my dog?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: They want to dress him up in ribbons and lace.
PEASANT: They can't have him.
NAVAL CAPTAIN: I tried to negotiate with them but you know what they're like.  I've had to use all of my cunning to devise a plan which might just work.
PEASANT: Thanks.
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Not at all.  It does, I'm afraid, require your absolute, unquestioning obedience.  Can you manage that?
PEASANT: When you say absol-
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Perfect.  You may use this fabulous new knife which Merch has procured for your convenience.

2 HOURS LATER

MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Here, have a chocolate. 
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Most kind Merch.  Care for a glass of lemonade?
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Don't mind if I do.  Thank you.
NAVAL CAPTAIN: When Peasant's finished working on the bow and arrows you can head over and start the trade.  No point delaying, I say.  And after that we'll persuade the fool to bring some of his sisters' dolls with him tomorrow.  They should go down well next door don't you think?
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: And his mother's perfume.  That ought to get a good-
NAVAL CAPTAIN: What was that?
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Are you OK?  That's stuck right in there, I-
NAVAL CAPTAIN: What the bloody he-
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Aargh!  My leg! It hurts!  Owww!

PIRATE (PEASANT) peers through the tree-house window, his bow and arrow poised to shoot the pair again.

PIRATE: That looks like a tempting feast gentleman.  Why don't you let me relieve you of some of it.

PIRATE CLIMBS INTO THE TREE-HOUSE AND POCKETS THE CHOCOLATES BEFORE HEADING BACK TO THE WINDOW, KEEPING AN ARROW TRAINED ON THE PAIR ALL THE TIME.

NAVAL CAPTAIN: Peasant! You shot me in the back!
PIRATE: That's Pirate to you. Did it hurt?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Of course it bloody hurt.  That's not how you play!  If you want to fight we're supposed to agree on the rules and weapons and-
PIRATE: Is that so? 
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Oww!  Stop that at once!  I'll hang you from the tree if you don't quit it right now.
PIRATE: Ha!  You'll have to catch me first. 

PIRATE DISAPPEARS THROUGH THE WINDOW.  A PAUSE THEN HIS VOICE IS HEARD BELOW.

PIRATE: Come on Jack, we're homeward bound.
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: He took all the chocolates.
NAVAL CAPTAIN: Incredible.  A flagrant disregard for the rules of battle.  That does it.  New rule.  Anyone who plays by Pirate's rules is no longer allowed in the garden.  If they come into the garden they face death.  Agreed?
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Death?
NAVAL CAPTAIN: He took the chocolate.
MERCHANT CAPTAIN: Death it is.


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3 comments:

Ashley R Lister said...

This is another play that the DGPs should be producing. It's witty and insightful.

(And I won't say anything about the misspelling of the word 'competitive' in that image).

Ash

Anonymous said...

So long as I have enough choc I won't ConDem them

vicky ellis said...

Ash, I think I'm actually blind to mis-spelt memes now :(