Monday, 11 March 2013

He's not a Vogon, just a very bad poet


The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy describes Vogon poetry as being “the third worst poetry in the Universe” with Azagoths of Kria coming in second.

The very worst poetry of all in the history of everything is credited to  Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings. Though on the recent tour, the 'editors' of the Guide have been accepting submissions of some rather arm gnawing verse.

But how, I hear you ask, do you write something so mortally bad that the listener's brain actually seeks ways of devolution so that it can return to a primordial ooze with little to no understanding of languages and thus freeing itself of hearing any more?

Well you could use a poetry generator like this:

Which simulates the twisted dirge of Vogon verse.

Here is my offering from this site:

See, see the Clever sky 
Marvel at its big puke depths.
Tell me, Ashley do you
Wonder why the pug ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel tired.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your humblington facial growth
That looks like
A cheese.
What's more, it knows
Your nudcrumble potting shed
Smells of pea.
Everything under the big Clever sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm nappies.

So from this I can deduce, that to write really bad poetry you must:

Use bad imagery
Use very bad metaphors
Use simplistic adjectives
Pay no attention to time or meter.

So, taking this on board, and without computer assistance:

Ode to the furry thing I feed called a cat
Oh thing of fur,
with eyes,
your mouth eats the meat,
in jelly that smells bad.
Like a small vacuum cleaner that likes meat.
You swallow the jellied meat cubes,
That have escaped from their tin prison.
Purr cat Purr.
For that is your way,
Of telling me thanks,
For the smelly food,
Oh purr you furry cat like thing that is a cat.


Job Done

Reactions:

9 comments:

Ashley R Lister said...

Welcome aboard.

I took a shot at the poem generator. This was the result.

See, see the Fat sky
Marvel at its big Tuesday depths.
Tell me, Tracy do you
Wonder why the Clegg ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel green.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your plinkorming facial growth
That looks like
A shelf.
What's more, it knows
Your Cameron potting shed
Smells of pea.
Everything under the big Fat sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm noses.

This is better than my usual stuff.

Standard said...

See, see the lovely sky
Marvel at its big mauve depths.
Tell me, Valiant do you
Wonder why the hyena ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel inert.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your philicinacious facial growth
That looks like
A feta cheese.
What's more, it knows
Your gullet potting shed
Smells of yoda.
Everything under the big lovely sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm toilets.

Lisa McFleeca said...

See, see the loud sky
Marvel at its big snot green depths.
Tell me, Alison do you
Wonder why the echidna ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel bleary.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your blarsnorforous facial growth
That looks like
A pinot grigio.
What's more, it knows
Your masticating potting shed
Smells of aphids.
Everything under the big loud sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm stiltons.

Standard said...

I actually like the cat poem. It's quite charming really :)

Colin Davies said...

CHARMING!

It was supposed to be rubbish.

Back to the drawing board

:)

Lisa McFleeca said...

Problem is if you write something intentionally bad, it becomes ironic, and then some fool calls it art and it become hugely trendy and popular. Where does it end?

I dislike cats, John Constantine had it right when he used them to get access to hell.... Half in, half out!

The post is apt and great by the way Colin, nice to hear you are sticking around :-)

L x

Colin Davies said...

Thanks for referencing John Constantine. You are of my own heart.

Though I love cats, for the same reason you 'dislike' them.

Lisa McFleeca said...

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2013/03/06/cats-being-total-jerks-for-no-apparent-reason/

I feel this proves my point - but have no doubt you will enjoy this as a cat person!

Colin Davies said...

That links just goes to show why I love cats? ahhahah, thanks for that.