Saturday, 1 February 2014

How about Twilight apples?

00:00:00 Posted by Ashley Lister , , , , , 6 comments
 by Ashley Lister

 At the start of this month I was ill. There’s been talk that I was bitten by Aragog. Personally I think it was more like that creature from the alien films: Sigourney Weaver.

Anyway, I’m still on antibiotics. The infection has subsided and I no longer need the stick. But do you want to know how bad the illness got? Can you keep a secret? OK. Just between you and I, I got so sick at one point I even sat through the first of those godawful Twilight movies.

Obviously, because I was floating in and out of a delirium of narcotic-fuelled unhappiness, I might have missed some key plot points, so if anyone is familiar with Twilight, could you please help provide answers to the following questions?

When did vampires start to sparkle? Is that really pertinent to anything? They sparkle in sunlight, so they live somewhere rainy? Was that what they were saying? Or were my meds too strong? Are sparkly vampires really a thing? Why would menacing creatures of the night sparkle like some jewel-encrusted shit from the shopping channel?

Did no one else think it sinister that a character who is 100+ years old is hanging around a high school? Do Operation Yewtree know about this concept? Did that not strike anyone else as being a little bit creepy? If we don’t start worrying about things like that, the Jimmy Saviles and Gary Glitters of this world will forever remain unobserved.

Dante Alleghieri’s death mask has a better range of facial expression than Kirstin Stewart. Is she an animatronic? And, if so, why didn’t they get a working one for this film? I’ve seen the Mona Lisa do better acting. Even Roger Moore could raise an eyebrow. Kirstin Stewart can’t even raise a sparkly vampire’s bloodlust.

There’s a saying that, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. It’s somewhat telling that, after making myself endure the Twilight apple, I revisited my doctor and demanded more tablets. 

Anyone with answers to the above, please share your wisdom below.


Colin Davies said...

Your drug were not strong enough. I know this for 2 reasons.

1. You discribe it as unhappyness.
2. You remeber watching Twighlight in such detail that you ask question about how uttly stupid shinny pedo vampires actually are. It makes the red coat cradle snatcher in Dirty Dancing look like wholesome man sniffingbaround your underage daughter.

Ashley R Lister said...

It's one of those films that I've always wanted to watch because some people like it so much. Previously I've been too healthy but, when you're delirious and immobile, it's easier to remain in front of the movie whilst it's playing.

This was how I managed to get through those moronic Lord of the Rings movies.

Other titles in the series of films to be endured when there's no hope of escape include your choice of Dirty Dancing, Mama Mia and, if I'm ever really ill, I'll make myself sit through all of those Star Wars films.

Colin Davies said...

I was had a large amount of strange candy before going to see Batman and Robin. I think I was the only one who enjoyed it, though I can't remember anything except the colours.

I have since seen 10 minutes of it and now realise how lucky I was.

Emmanuel Tully said...

Twilight is quite simply a steaming pile of sparkly excrement! A story (I use the term loosely)so full of incessant drivel that you need to be drugged up to watch it! Still, for some reason it appeals to young girls because Edward the hundred year old paedo vampire who hangs around high schools is supposed to be the ultimate male. Though I don't know why, most of the time he just has a pained expression on his face that makes him look like he has a stick shoved up his bum. As for Kristen Stewart, you couldn't be more right Ashley, a rock has character and personality than Bella Swan in the movies. I don't see why the the vampire and the werewolf love her so much, she is boring!! It gets worse and much more creepy Ashley in the squeals... Wolfboy 'imprints' on Bella's vampire baby girl...I will not elaborate on that, it's just disturbing... Twilight is a bloody travesty, but it makes money so crap like this will always be made!!! Rant over:)

Ashley R Lister said...

Emmanuel - I'm so pleased that I managed to get you ranting about this.
Well articulated response. Thank you.

Emmanuel Tully said...

You're welcome Ashley and thanks:) It just irks me that rubbish like this is so popular! It has nothing to with me not being it's target audience either. It's just so poorly made... If my twelve old niece has to like this, at least let it be average :)