MacScottish Play and the Zombies

 by Ashley Lister

This week's theme is jokes. I believe there are one or two jokes in the following play which was performed at the Dead Good Poets' open mic event yesterday evening.

MacSCottish Play and the Zombies

 EXT. A desolate moor near Sauciehall Street. Night.

SFX: thunderbolt & lightning. Three witches are centre stage. One of them holds a cat.

First Witch

When shall we three meet again?

Second Witch

What about next Tuesday, for the bingo? That would

be nice, wouldn’t it?

Third Witch

I have been visited by a prophecy of doom from my pussy.

First Witch

(to audience)

She means her cat.

Third Witch

My pussy has told me two things: First it has told me

the zombies are coming.

Second Witch

Ooh! That’ll be nice. Usually they just shamble

along seeking brains and eating people.

Third Witch

And, secondly, my pussy has told me that we will meet

with the nobleman, Lord MacScottish Play.

Second Witch

Ooh! A nobleman. How lovely. Will you be washing your

pussy before you meet him?

First Witch

(to audience)

She means her cat.

Third Witch

I don’t think there’ll be any need to wash my pussy.

He’s Scottish so he won’t be expecting that.

[beat]

Unless you’re talking about my cat.

Enter MacScottish Play and Banquo

MacScottish Play

Fandabidosi. Och aye the noo. Whit urr ye three ladies

daein' 'ere?

Banquo

[to audience/precise English]

Good evening. My name is Banquo and, for the remainder of

this play, until my untimely death at some point later in

this opening act, I shall be playing the role of the

translator for everything said by the noble Lord

MacScottish Play.

MacScottish Play

[angrily to audience]

Ye heckit Sassenach bastards.

Banquo

[to audience/translating]

Good evening English people. I admire and respect

your culture.

First Witch

All hail MacScottish Play, Thane of Cawdor.

Second Witch

All hail MacScottish Play, King of Scotland and slayer

of the Zombies.

Third Witch

(offering cat to MacScottish Play)

All hail MacScottish Play. Would you like to play with my

pussy?

MacScottish Play

Ah dinnae ken whit ye'r sayin’, yer dunderheided bitches.

Banquo

(translating)

The Lord MacScottish Play thanks you for your kind

greeting but he’s unsure why you’re calling him by these

grand titles.

MacScottish Play

(nodding)

Aye.

(points at Third Witch)

Pussy.

Third Witch

(offering cat to MacScottish Play)

Would you like to play with my pussy?

MacScottish Play

(stroking the cat)

Ah wid ower clap yer wee moggie. Aye.

MacScottish Play strokes the Third Witch’s cat.

Banquo

(to the remaining two witches)

What dark business is occurring here? These roads should

be safe for travellers like myself and my lovely Lord

MacScottish Play. He’s a Scotsman. He’s not used to being

accosted by wanton slatterns like yourselves. No offence.

Not unless one of you is trying to sell him smack or

something. No offence. Or unless one of you is his sister

propositioning him for sexual services. No offence. Or

offering him a munchy box. No offence. Or a deep friend

Mars Bar and neeps. No offence.

 

First Witch

We have been granted a prophecy. Zombies are going to

come.

Second Witch

I said: ‘that would be nice.’ Usually they only get to

shamble places and eat brains in these types of stories.

It must be very frustrating for them.

Banquo

(aghast – looking around)

Zombies here in Scotland? Brainless, empty shells of

soulless human beings, killing and consuming without any

thought or conscience? How will the zombies have a chance

against them?

Enter Zombie

First Witch

Here’s one. I told you the zombies were coming.

Second Witch

(disappointed)

He’s not coming. He’s just walking slowly.

Banquo

(to audience)

I’ve never understood why anyone would fear zombies.

They’re so slow moving and obvious it’s not like they’d

be able to sneak up behind someone and take them

unsuspecting and unawares.

Zombie attacks Banquo by sneaking up behind him – unsuspecting and unawares. Banquo dies.

Zombie

Brains. Must eat brains.

Zombie attacks Second Witch.

Zombie

Brains. Must eat brains.

Second Witch

Ooh! This getting eaten out isn’t as nice as I’d hoped

it might be.

Second Witch dies. Zombie attacks Third Witch.

Zombie

Brains. Must eat brains.

Third Witch dies. She takes the cat down with her when she falls. MacScottish Play produces a sword and stabs Zombie. Zombie dies.

MacScottish Play

(talking to the dead Zombie)

Ya bas. Ah wis plooter her moggie.

First Witch

Well done Lord MacScottish Play. You saved the world from

Zombies and stopped Scotland from becoming home to a race

of mindless, inarticulate violent types that are shunned

and feared by the rest of the free thinking world.

MacScottish Play

Thank f**k for that. We wuddnae huv wanted that tae

happen, wid we?

THE END