Numbers

Where do you start with a topic on Numbers? There are an infinite number of possible ways of approaching it. Including Infinity. Then I happened to look out of my front window and saw the milestone at the end of my road and on the top is an Ordnance Survey mark. Well, that’s as good a place to start as any other.

Why it was called Ordnance Survey (OS)? It seems it has its origins in 1747 when King George II commissioned a military survey of the Scottish highlands following the Jacobite revolt of 1745. William Roy was the engineer responsible for this pioneering work; one of the staff involved was noted artist Paul Sandby. The survey was produced at a scale of 1 inch to 1000 yards.

Roy’s surveying parties of about eight relied on simple surveying compasses to measure the angles, and chains up to 50 feet long to measure distance between important features. Much of the rest was sketched in by eye. Nevertheless, the map was a powerful tool as part of a broader strategy to open up access to the Highlands.

The fact that Roy was just 21 years old with no military commission when he started the survey makes his achievements even more extraordinary. His work paved the way for modern surveying and he understood the strategic importance of accurate maps. At the time of his death in 1790 his vision of a national survey for Britain was almost within reach.

It was not until 1790 that the Board of Ordnance (a predecessor of part of the modern Ministry of Defence) began a national military survey starting with the south coast of England in anticipation of a French invasion. So that’s where Ordnance came from.

By 1791, the Board had purchased the new Ramsden theodolite, and work began on mapping southern Great Britain using a baseline that Roy himself had previously measured and that crosses the present Heathrow Airport.

In 1801 the first one-inch-to-the-mile (1:63,360) map was published, detailing the county of Kent, with Essex following shortly after. The Kent map was published privately and stopped at the county border while the Essex maps were published by Ordnance Survey and ignore the county border setting the trend for future Ordnance Survey maps.

During the next twenty years roughly a third of England and Wales was mapped at the same scale. It was gruelling work: Major Thomas Colby, later the longest serving Director General of Ordnance Survey, walked 586 miles in 22 days on a reconnaissance in 1819. In 1824, Colby and most of his staff moved to Ireland to work on a six-inches-to-the-mile (1:10,560) valuation survey. The survey of Ireland was completed in 1846.

Colby designed specialist measuring equipment, established systematic collection of place names, and reorganised the map-making process to produce clear, accurate plans. But Colby the perfectionist also travelled with his men, helped to build camps, and arranged mountain-top feasts with huge plum puddings at the end of each surveying season.

One interesting fact is that the mean sea level at Newlyn in Cornwall ( calculated between 1915 and 1921 ) is the reference point for the height data on OS maps.

Here are a couple of numbers from OS today:

‘While the public still knows us for our comprehensive range of printed leisure maps, the digital side of the business accounts for more than 90% of turnover.

All 243,241 square kilometres of Great Britain are surveyed and up to 20,000 changes are put into the database daily.’

Reading the Map

with more creases than contours
from when I didn’t need glasses
for the red dot
of a branch line station

where the edge of my compass
would be a straight path
92 degrees true north

but as arrows aligned
latitude and longitude dissolved
and I was lost

in sounds of train doors slamming
sometimes just mine

the weight of a rucksack

blasts of wind and sun
and rain and green
my sort of heights

the smell of black coffee
from a flask

sweat

shadows on a track

back to the pub
too small to be marked
where they once knew my name
and those of friends
I haven’t seen in years.

First published in Reach, July 2025

Thanks for reading, Terry Q.

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Numbers

 “59” is a love poem about prime numbers, written and performed by British poet and mathematician, Harry Baker. It is available on YouTube, better on stage than on page, but here it is:

59

59 wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.
Realises all his hair is on one side of his head.
Takes just under a minute to work out that it’s because of the way that he slept.

He finds some clothes and gets dressed.
He can’t help but look in the mirror and be subtly impressed
How he looks rough around the edges and yet casually messed.
And as he glances out the window,
He sees the sight that he gets blessed with,
Of 60 from across the street.

Now 60 was beautiful,
With perfectly trimmed cuticles, dressed in something suitable,
And never rude or crude at all.

Unimprovable,
Right on time as usual,
More on cue than a snooker ball but liked to play it super cool.

59 wanted to tell her that he knew her favorite flower.
He thought of her every second, every minute, every hour.
But he knew it wouldn’t work, he’d never get the girl.

Because although she lived across the street they came from different worlds.
While 59 admired 60’s perfectly round figure,
60 thought 59 was odd.

You see, one of his favorite films was "101 Dalmatians."
She preferred the sequel.
He romanticized the idea they were star-crossed lovers.
They could overcome the odds and evens because they had each other,
While she maintained the strict views imposed on her by her mother,
That separate could not be equal.

And though at the time he felt stupid and dumb
For trying to love a girl controlled by her stupid mum,
He should have been comforted by the simple sum.
Take 59 away from 60, and you’re left with the one.

Sure enough after two months of moping around,
61 days later, 61 was who he found,
He had lost his keys and his parents were out.

So one day after school he went into a house.
And as he noticed the slightly wonky numbers on the door,
He wondered why he’d never introduced himself before.

As she let him in, his jaw dropped in awe.
61 was like 60, but a little bit more.
See she had prettier eyes, and an approachable smile,
And like him, rough around the edges, casual style,
And like him, everything was in disorganized piles,
And like him, her mum didn’t mind if friends stayed a while.

Because she was like him, and he liked her.
He reckoned she would like him if she knew he was like her,
And it was different this time. I mean, this girl was wicked,
So he plucked up the courage and asked for her digits.

She said, "I'm 61."
He grinned, said, "I'm 59. Today I’ve had a really nice time,
So tomorrow if you wanted you could come over to mine?"
She said, "Sure."

She loved talking to someone just as quirky,
So she agreed to this unofficial first date.
In the end, he was only ready one minute early,
But that didn’t matter because she arrived one minute late.

And from that moment on there was non-stop chatter,
How they loved "X-Factor," how they had two factors,
How that did not matter.
Distinctiveness made them better,
By the end of the night, they knew they were meant together.

And one day she was talking about stuck-up 60,
She noticed that 59 looked a bit shifty.
He blushed and told her of his crush:
“The best thing that never happened because it led to us.” 61 was clever, see, not prone to jealousy,
She looked him in the eyes and told him quite tenderly,
"You’re 59, I’m 61, together we combine to become twice what 60 could ever be."
And at this point 59 had tears in his eyes,
Was so glad to have this one-of-a-kind girl in his life.

He told her the very definition of being prime
Was that with only one and himself could his heart divide,
And she was the one he wanted to give his heart to,
She said she felt the same and now she knew the films were half true,
Because that wasn't real love, that love was just a sample,
When it came to real love, they were a prime example.

                                                                                        Harry Baker

And, while I’m mentioning performance poets, I was pea-green with envy last week to discover that one of my absolute favourites, Mike Garry, (so much more than a performance poet) visited my elder grandson’s high school doing what I think was a poetry workshop. Had I known, I could have hung around outside the school gates, a poet groupie. Anyway, he was well received and my grandson was impressed.

Back to the subject of numbers. There is no escape, they are everywhere. We couldn’t manage without them. Clocks, calendars, reference numbers, codes for everything and I’m thankful that we moved on from Roman numerals. I think I’ve mentioned before that as a child, I could not grasp money sums. Pounds, shillings and pence. I could not get the hang of it and no amount of frustrated shouting from my teacher was going to make the penny drop. I was seven, or eight. Decimalisation was introduced some years later, for my benefit. I wasn’t alone, I’m sure.

My younger grandson brought his maths homework, needing my help. He doesn’t. He just likes to chill at our house and being without his siblings, he gets all the treats to himself, and undivided attention. He’s aged nine, Year 4, and he was doing six columns of multiplication tables. I’m okay with that, though eight times and nine times gets my brain fumbling a little bit. He believes me when I say swapping the numbers round still gives the same answer and I show him what I mean with five times four and four times five. He already knows, but we’re both enjoying the one to one. A multiplication tables chart fills the flip side of his A4 work sheet and he reminds me how to use it.

Thanks for reading, Pam x

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Numbers - My First Poetry Workshop

How many poems have I written? Loads! Have I ever attended a poetry workshop? Nope....not until last Saturday. 

It was run by Kate Eggleston Wirtz and Steve Rowland, both known and admired by me for quite some time for their great talents. (I like to mix in such circles, hoping some of it might rub off ha ha!) So off I went to my first poetry workshop, delighted to see poetry pals Tom Mackereth and Adele Robinson also in attendance.

At 1.00pm promptly at Eggwirtz Studio in St Annes On Sea, things got off to a great start…an offer of a brew and a plate of biscuits which included CUSTARD CREAMS…what can I say? My boxes were ticked immediately, and not just because of the biscuits. 

Being artistically inclined myself, the studio was an immensely interesting place to be in. A wonderful eclectic mix of colours, styles, and multi-media creations and designs filled the place. My eyes were everywhere, picking out interesting pieces, curious items, clever designs, masterful pencil drawings, and millions of tiny little miscellanea filling all the nooks and crannies. But I digress….

Eggwirtz studio

Everyone introduced themselves and Steve explained the theme and introduced the 'mathematical' element. 'What?' No-one actually said that, but I could almost feel the thought filling the air. For me, however, this was just another box ticked. I love numbers, patterns, formulas etc. That doesn't make me an expert, it's just that I find numbers fascinating and when we were all handed a very informative sheet by Steve, who must have really done his homework, this new world of mathematical poetic forms was pumping up my inspiration levels very nicely.

This felt great, because I have been troubled with writers' block for lengthy sections of this year, struggling to find sparks of inspiration, and at times, even the will to write anything at all. And now here I was in a poetry workshop with folk I knew and admired, pumped with inspiration, eyes on a blank page and pen in hand. I felt like a greyhound in the traps, waiting for the off…..well, just polishing off another custard cream first. 

I zoomed in on a Pi variant, a PIEM, ha ha! And looked at the sample by Sir James Hopward Jeans, based on the number of letters in each word, mimicking the decimal Pi, 3.14152926535897932384….. and so on. I remembered Pi from my old school days, emphasis on the 'old' as being 22/7, so I planned to write a piem with 2 stanzas, one of 22 lines and the other with 7.

There ensued a comfortable silence as everyone put pen to paper. My poem…oh, forgot to mention, as usual, is written in Lanky Twang!

Twenty Two Over Seven

T' mathematical decimal number of Pi
Guz on fer ages an' ages,
But wen I wer a lass in skoo days past
It wer different on ower pages.
Twenty-two over seven, she said,
An' I believed that teacher o mine,
Decimals wer just comin' in
But we didn't give 'em much mind.
Today I learned about John Hopwood Jeans,
An' ee's long-lined piem an' wot it means.
Each word 'as letters matchin' decimal Pi
So I giz it a look o're, wi mi gud eye!
Then, cuz I'm a bit OCD,
I noticed summat didn't feel right to me,
So I counted t' letters in every word
An checked 'em against decimal Pi.
Letter counts wer all correct,
So I checked again and wonder'd why
I wer still convinced ther wer summat wrong,
But wot wert problem catchin' mi eye?
Compelled to re-check wi sum surprise,
I determined to finish this exercise.

So now I've written twenty-two lines
An' even managed to mek 'em rhyme,
But did I find wot caused mi grief?
I bet yer wond'rin wot it is.
Ok, I'll reveal wot put me outta joint,
Ee's letters matched all t' numbers
But ee sadly missed THE POINT !

We all read or talked about our efforts, had another tea break. Kate's reputation as a host rose even higher when the whole packet of Custard Creams headed my way (he he!) I proudly refrained from being a total pig and just had a couple more.

we talked about our efforts

Then we got back to writing again.

This time I chose the theme of 'an object'……tough call in a place like this with soooooo much to look at. It culminated in a kind of thank you poem to Kate, in the form of a sonnet.

KEW Studio Sonnet

I'm in her studio,
Eyes roaming walls and spaces,
Pausing here and there,
Stopping to stare.

Colours fill the air,
Soft shades and bright hues,
But a black and white creation
Ignites imagination.

Is anything really as black and white
As the canvass on display?
In Sun's shadow, or Moon's light,
Is day, day? Or night, night?

In her studio with much to amaze,
The black and white canvas holds my gaze.

And then, time up, my lift arrived, it was time to say good bye and head off, clutching my notebook, with two new pieces, achieved in one very enjoyable afternoon with tea and biscuits, chatter and laughter, good company, catch up with friends, and a wonderful experience…..my first poetry workshop. (Big smile and cheesy grin!)

My thanks to Steve Rowland and Kate Eggleston Wirtz.

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Before And After Street Lamps

I've spent a couple of weeks reading and researching about streetlamps. It's a huge and illuminating topic: from flaming tar torches on Greek and Roman buildings, through the invention of glass-enclosed candlelight lamps in 16th century cities like Amsterdam and London, to the invention of the 'lamppost' and street lamps on every corner in 17th century Paris, which led the way in urban lighting, and whose thousands of réverbère oil-fuelled street lamps earned that city its abiding nickname La Ville-Lumière (The City of Light). As an aside, during the French Revolution (1789–1799), the revolutionaries found that the city's lampposts were a convenient place to hang aristocrats and other opponents.

The history of street lamps can be roughly divided into two eras, BC (before coal) and AI (after industrialisation). 

What I've outlined above is all BC. With the arrival of coal (and hence gas) during the industrial revolution, civic investment in gasworks and underground pipe networks from the mid 19th century onwards enabled many towns and cities to have their main thoroughfares lit by gas streetlamps. It was confusing for birds and annoying for burglars and stargazers, but great for the convenience and safety of ordinary citizens, particularly women. It also created jobs for a legion of lamplighters who would go round armed with ladders and matches to prime and light the streetlamps each evening and then go round and turn them off again every morning. The only other 20th century refinements of note have been a conversion from gas to electricity and the fitting of automated time switches which rendered lamplighters redundant.

We've taken it for granted for so long that our evening and night time streets are bathed in pools of soft orange sodium vapour light or the brighter white mercury vapour variety shining down from 10m lampposts spaced every 30m to 40m apart. Nowadays everyone is happy and safe at night - apart from the councillors who have to worry about the cost of keeping everything running as utility prices climb and government funding shrinks.

But for a themed poem this week, I want to retrace steps to a time in any post-industrial metropolis before streetlamps had achieved ubiquity. These cities from London to Glasgow to New York and Chicago were bustling and polluted hives of humanity. Air quality was poor in the earliest post AI urban centres, as smoke and fumes poured perpetually from thousands of chimneys. 

As one diarist on a night out in the capital recalled: 'We went to the Opera on a foggy night, only to discover that the haze had crept indoors, rendering the stage virtually impossible to see. Although there was nothing in the opera to move one, we in the audience seemed to be perpetually in tears in reaction to of the fog’s chemical sting.'

London's 'pea-soupers' were infamous for nearly three centuries, peaking in the 'killer smog' of 1952, where 4,000 respiratory-related deaths were reported in just a couple of days. leading to the Clean Air Act of 1956. And while London was in the grip of foggy nights through which early and sporadically placed versions of candle-powered or even gas streetlamp shone ineffectually, there grew up an army of mobile streetlamps known as link-boys. 

These enterprising youths carried torches made from burning pitch and tow and their name derives from 'link', a term for the cotton tow that formed the wick of the torch. Link-boys would light the way of pedestrians to the nearest sedan-chair or carriage rank, or even to their doorsteps through near impenetrable fog for the fee of a farthing. Many central London houses still have a link extinguisher on the exterior, shaped like outsized candle snuffers. Of course, employing a linkboy could be dangerous, as some would lead their clients to dark alleyways, where they could be beset by footpads, but their useful services generally outweighed the risk.

Samuel Pepys regularly mentioned them in his Diary, as on 4 February, 1660: 'So with a linkboy to Scott’s'; and on 22 June that same year: 'and so by link home about 11 o’clock'.

Another, more expansive anecdotal record (purporting to be by James Vila Blake, an American evangelist on a visit to England) referenced link-boys abroad on a 'typical' London night: 'The fog lay thick and dense around us; the link-boys were out in all their glory, dashing wildly about among the bewildered crowds, with their “Have a torch, sir?” “Light you home, sir?” “Better take me, sir!” Then darting frantically into the blackness they were lost, only to reappear again, thrusting their blazing fire-brands so near your clothing that it really seemed frightful. Drivers were offered enormous sums by terrified people to take them home—offers refused with frightful oaths; helpless women clung to railings for safety; now and then a solitary omnibus came along, each horse led, by a link-boy with his flaming torch; men knocked against each other, and we clung tightly to each other’s arms and strove to keep each other in sight.'

Of necessity, this new poem is a work in progress because I've been busy co-hosting a poetry-writing event today. I feel it's got to go somewhere else still but don't know where - so revisit the blog in a week or two and it might read completely differently. By the way, the title references the St. Giles Illuminati, a nickname given to the link-boys who plied their trade in theatreland in the mid 18th century, and the characters in the poem are real historical figures.

London's Illuminatus

Betty Careless has little to fear

from the stinging yellow of a chemical night

or the dangers that lurk in the swirling fog

as long as her personal link-boy appears

from out the fireflies in the smoke, to light

her progress to each evening's toff.

Of all the glym-jacks in theatreland,

little Laurence Casey always sees her right.

This Cheapside scamp of the artful dodge

carries a torch for his comely courtesan,

his fierce, proud devotion a comical sight

as he snuffs his tow outside another lodge.

As a musical bonus, and I haven't included on of these in a while, here is Van Morrison performing 'Bulbs' from his 1974 LP 'Veedon Fleece ', live at that year's Montreux Jazz Festival. It's an absolute blast. To  fire up the song, just click on the hyperlink here: Bulbs

Thanks for reading. Have a good week, S;-)

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Street Lamps

A letter appeared in the Preston Journal on 18 April 1807 from Miserabilis, who complained:
‘You must know, Sir, that 'tis within these six months that I came to reside in Preston, and from the social disposition of its inhabitants, am inclined to prolong my stay.’

But, he went on: ‘The streets in most parts of the Town are so intolerably dark, that I was continually getting my shoes full of water, which God knows what may be its consequences. The medical men will tell you, that it will lead to colds, coughs, rheumatism, palsies, agues, asthmas, or consumptions; and I need not tell you Sir, that 'twill infallibly lead to medicines, doctors' bills, probably undertakers' shrowds, coffins, parsons, clerks, sextons, gravediggers, graves ... all this for the want of lamps in the streets.’

Preston had tried. Back on the 22nd of December, 1699, the Corporation ordered— “ for the better going in the streets of this town, in the winter evenings, in the decrease of the moon or when cloude interfere, it has been thought necessary that some lamps or convex lights bee provided . And there being four such convex lights already bought, provided, and brought down from London... and the said four lights bee taken care of, attended, and supplied with oyle and other necessaries as occasion requires at the town's charge." The light they gave was reported as being wretched.

It took the friendship between Preston's leading Roman Catholic churchman, Joseph Dunn, and the gas engineer, Samuel Clegg to change not only this state of affairs but also enabled Preston to be the first town outside of London to be lit by gas.

In 1815, the Preston Gas-Light Company was formed by Reverend Joseph "Daddy" Dunn, engineer Samuel Clegg, and local printer Isaac Wilcockson. Just one year later, in 1816, Fishergate became the first street in Preston to be illuminated by coal gas, transforming the town after dark.

So how did they manage to light the lamps?

Work on the use of gas for lighting had been going on for several years prior to Preston getting involved. Possibly the most important was done at Stonyhurst College, a Catholic school just outside the town, where Clegg had, in 1808, used lime-water for purification of gas from sulphuretted hydrogen in large quantities.

By its contract the gas company was required to light agreed areas more effectually than was done in other parts with oil lamps. The annual income from these lights was £162. The locations were to be determined by the commissioners. The lamps and lamp irons together with the pipes were to be one foot below the surface of the ground under each lamp were to be provided by the commissioners. The mention of lamp irons sounds as though lamp posts were intended, but the lamps were more probably secured to walls by brackets, which was the usual practice in the early days of gas-lighting.

Now that the contract had been secured it was necessary to decide on a suitable site for the works. It should not be too far from the centre of the town, and it should be on as low a level as possible to allow the gas to flow up into the town under its own pressure.

It was one thing to make plans for buildings and to see that local craftsmen carried them out, quite another to secure the necessary apparatus when there were no established sources of supply near at hand. In September samples of brass burners, chandeliers, pendant lamps, wall brackets, plain pillars, a glass vases were ordered. Delays were not really exceptional. Even in the case of cast iron pipes, for which there had been an enormous demand during the previous decade from the metropolitan water works companies, delivery was slow and the quality variable. At one point they used as service pipes a supply of surplus musket barrels which were joined muzzle into breech.

But they did succeed and the opening ceremony took place in Feb 1816 and to repeat, Preston became the first town outside of London to be lit by gas.

Information on the above was taken from: 'The Introduction of Gas-Lighting to Preston' by Brian G. Awty and from Anthony Hewitson's Preston Chronology 705-1883.

This is the first verse of a poem about the opening of Preston fm studios which used the Grade II listed building from 2008 to 2013.

Turning On St Wilfrid's School

Think of chalk
scraping down slate
a ten times table
and chairs scuffling
for the best view
of the Master blasted
over Pendle Hill
after turning on gas light
for the first time in Preston
the slight sigh of disappointment
lost in the hiss of history.

Thanks for reading, Terry Q

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Abrush With Wisdom

When I was but a toothy youth, I brushed my teeth with Wisdom brushes. Their website proudly proclaims: 

"Few companies can boast a richer history than Wisdom Toothbrushes. The company was established over 240 years ago by its founder William Addis and is globally recognised as the inventor of the modern-day toothbrush."

It's as well they are stressing modernity, because there is ample evidence in the annals that toothbrushes (with handles made of bamboo and brush heads of hog bristles) were in use in China during the Tang dynasty as early as 620 AD, while the rest of us were using rags dipped in salt, or chewing twigs from trees. In fact when European travellers introduced the marvellous Chinese toothbrush to Europe in the 17th century, our fastidious friends in south-east Asia had been using it for a thousand years.

So I looked up the Wiki page about Addis, the man who claimed to have invented it all over again, and what a fascinating story that is. William Addis (rioter and entrepreneur) was in jail in 1770 when he figured there might be a better way of cleaning one's teeth than with a rag dipped in ash (salt being in short supply in prison). He saved a small length of bone from a meal, drilled tiny holes in it and threaded tufts of bristle through. After his release in 1780, he started up in business mass-producing his toothbrushes, and over the next quarter-century he became a very wealthy man by providing the great British public with his must-have personal hygiene offering.

wise woman with toothbrush (and wasp waist)

His son, also William, inherited the firm on the founder's death in 1808 and it continued to be a family-run concern until the 1990s. Its biggest boost came during WWII when it supplied a million toothbrushes to Britain's armed forces, By then, plastics, injection moulding machines and synthetic bristles had innovated toothbrush manufacture and Wisdom was the brand name given to the new line of Addis brushes from 1940 onwards. Nowadays, the company manufactures some 70 million toothbrushes a year. 

It is received wisdom that everyone should brush their teeth twice a day to maintain good oral hygiene, though the science suggests that at least once every 48 hours is good enough to prevent plaque build up. 

How one brushes is more important than how often. It is beneficial when using a straight bristled brush not to scrub horizontally over the necks of teeth, not to press the brush too hard against the teeth, to choose a toothpaste that is not too abrasive, and to wait at least 30 minutes after meals before brushing. It is also vitally important to manage maximum coverage of teeth and gums. 

Although tooth brushing is the most common preventive healthcare activity, levels of tooth and gum disease remain high, since people clean at most 40% of their tooth margins at the gum line. The main reason most dentists recommend patients to brush twice a day is in the hope that frequent brushing will clean more areas of the mouth. OK, lesson over... rinse and spit. It's poem time.

A poem doesn't have to be 'on theme' does it? I'm not sure about the wisdom of this latest - not even sure it's better than no poem at all - but its inspiration came earlier in the week when I got stuck behind a lorry with two yellow 'registration' plates on the back. One was a standard plate (e.g. SN67 SGV) and the other just read TEZ, which I took to be the nickname of its driver. 

a Derry lorry as driven by Terry 

That got me idly wondering, as we queued, why names that end in 'rry' like Barry or Perry or Terry ever got changed to Bazzer, Pezzer and Tezzer, or their diminutives, Baz, Pez and Tez. If you know, please do enlighten me. Also, while we're at it, why was Charles John Huffam Dickens ever called Boz?

Then I clocked that Terry (Tezzer/Tez) was driving a lorry for a company called Derry and the unfortunate idea for this comic poem was born. It's a shame that Derry doesn't distribute toothbrushes. That would have been the perfect coincidence, "delivering oral products to the furthest reaches of the British mouth." It's actually a refrigerated goods transporter.  Never mind. 

I was going to title it Tezzer Drives A Lozzer for Dezzer, but as we remark wisely in this poetry game, less is frequently more. Of course it's a bit of nonsense with a circular theme. If you need to decode it, just replace all but one 'z' with 'rry'.

Tez's Orrez

starts out driving a loz for Dez

though never a young man to taz

so he's first to sail out on the fez

gets taken on as an equez

living a life without woz

hardly ever has to say soz

out on the piss to get mez

after the pubs shut, a cuz

meets a young lady from Kez

cut a thrust he couldn't paz

and now he's all set to maz

seems she's a girl in a fluz

to have kids, all that jazz

so he needs a new job in a huz

sails back home on the frez

ends up driving a loz for Dez

Thanks for reading, S ;-)

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Wisdom

Maybe because one never finds the cultural icons of the previous generation relevant to one’s own but I’ve never found Norman Wisdom funny but thought I’d have a quick look at his career as other aspects of wisdom were not appealing. I’m glad I did.

Norman Joseph Wisdom was born on 4 February 1915 at 91 Fernhead Road, Maida Vale W9, London where his father, mother, brother and himself shared a single room. The brothers grew up in extreme poverty and were frequently subjected to violence by their alcoholic father, who would sometimes pick them up and throw them across the room. After being expelled from the home entirely by their father, Norman became homeless and was forced to sleep rough on the streets of London.

By the age of 13, he was working long shifts in a hotel. One of his fellow boy workers persuaded him to walk to Cardiff with hopes of becoming a miner. However, the boy’s family was unable to house him, and Norman found himself homeless again.

He later joined the Merchant Navy as a cabin boy, sailing to Argentina. During the voyage, he learned to box. In Argentina, he entered a prize fight, managing to last three rounds before being badly beaten. When he was 14 he was advised to join the British Army, which accepted band recruits at that age. Though he had no musical training, he tearfully persuaded the recruiting officer to let him join and was accepted.

Norman Wisdom, irrepressible comic

In 1930, Wisdom was posted to Lucknow and during his time there, he learned to ride horses, became the flyweight boxing champion of the British Army in India and taught himself to play a wide range of instruments, including the piano, trumpet, saxophone, flute, drums, bugle, and clarinet.

At the outbreak of the Second World War, Wisdom was assigned to a communications centre in a command bunker in London. There, he handled telephone connections between war leaders and the prime minister. He met Winston Churchill on several occasions while delivering updates on incoming calls.

In 1940, at the age of 25, during a NAAFI entertainment night, he spontaneously stepped out of the orchestra pit during a dance routine to perform shadow boxing. Hearing laughter from his fellow soldiers and officers, he added a duck waddle and a series of comic facial expressions. Reflecting on the moment, he recalled: "They were in hysterics. All the officers were falling about laughing."

Wisdom's ascent in the entertainment world was relatively swift. A highly successful run at the London Casino in April 1948 led to a summer season in Scarborough. He shared the stage with magician David Nixon which resulted in further variety performances together. That Christmas he appeared in the pantomime Robinson Crusoe at Birmingham's Alexandra Theatre.

He then starred in a series of low-budget comedies produced by the Rank Organisation, beginning with Trouble in Store (1953). The film earned him a BAFTA Award for Most Promising Newcomer to Film in 1954, and became the second most popular film at the British box office that year. Exhibitors also ranked him as the tenth biggest box-office star in Britain in 1954.

Norman Wisdom, National Portrait Gallery

It was all the above which I found interesting and not really his film career afterwards except for the fact that he became a cultural icon in Albania, where his films were among the few Western imports permitted under the regime of Enver Hoxha. When he visited the country in 1995, he was astonished to find himself mobbed by fans, including then-president Sali Berisha.

He returned in 2001, coinciding with the England vs Albania match in Tirana. At the training ground, he drew more attention than David Beckham and delighted the stadium crowd by wearing a half-English, half-Albanian shirt and performing one of his signature trips before kick-off. In recognition of his enduring popularity, Wisdom was made an honorary citizen of Tirana in 1995.

Surprisingly, well to me, Wisdom was a lifelong supporter and former board member of Brighton & Hove Albion. He was knighted in 2000 for services to entertainment. The latter part of his life was spent on the Isle of Man where he died on the 4th October 2010. His funeral took place on 22 October in Douglas with an open invitation extended to all island residents.

As I’ve said, it wasn’t the films that I found interesting about him but the tough background he came from and how he succeeded against the odds.

Any excuse to get a bit of Dorothy Parker in the blog:

Wisdom

THIS I say, and this I know:
Love has seen the last of me.
Love’s a trodden lane to woe,
Love’s a path to misery.

This I know, and knew before,
This I tell you, of my years:
Hide your heart, and lock your door.
Hell’s afloat in lovers’ tears.

Give your heart, and toss and moan,
What a pretty fool you look!
I am sage, who sit alone;
Here’s my wool, and here’s my book.

Look! A lad’s a-waiting there,
Tall he is and bold, and gay.
What the devil do I care
What I know, and what I say?

                                             Dorothy Parker

Sir Norman Wisdom, his statue

Thanks for reading, Terry Q.

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Wisdom

“With age comes wisdom.”

It would be nice to think so, but a lot depends on an individual’s lifestyle and experiences. Some people never grow up, in the eyes of others. We are all how we are meant to be, with a few tweaks here and there as we seek knowledge or self-improvement.

Oscar Wilde, “With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.”

“A word to the wise.”

Something my dad would say to me, starting a conversation offering advice, brief opinion or more often, a heads-up on a point of interest, usually negative.

Quote from Wikipedia regarding wise owls,

“The perception of owls as symbols of wisdom dates back to Ancient Greece, where the owl was sacred to Athena, the goddess of wisdom and strategic warfare. Owls were often depicted perched on her shoulders representing knowledge, vigilance and intellectual prowess. Greek soldiers even regarded the presence of an owl as a favourable omen before battle, and the bird appeared on coins called ‘glaukes’ reinforcing its symbolic link to wisdom and insight. The Romans later adopted this symbolism through Minerva, Athena’s counterpart, maintaining the owl as a representation of intelligence.”

Between the ages of eight and nine, I attended the village school in Padfield, near Glossop. The head teacher was a formidable looking woman, always wore her cap and gown at school and made me think of a wise, old owl. She was Mrs Swift and at the time, I thought Mrs Owl would be a more appropriate name. She was lovely and kind, not a bit like her appearance suggested. This was a very happy time in my childhood and I have fond memories of the short time my family spent there.

My photograph is of one of my late aunt’s religious pieces. I have it in the landing window, to keep me in check.

I found this poem by James Joyce, written during his time in Zurich,

Bahnhofstrasse

The eyes that mock me sign the way
Whereto I pass at eve of day.

Grey way whose violet signals are
The trysting and the twining star.

Ah star of evil! Star of pain!
High hearted youth comes not again.

Nor old heart’s wisdom yet to know
The signs that mock me as I go.

James Joyce (1882 – 1941)

Thanks for reading, Pam x

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Deal Breaker

One word: Brexit. It's now ten years since the infamous and deeply flawed referendum that not only split the nation in half (52% to 48%) but in many cases divided families, friends and workmates. It was the worst kind of deal breaker, a divorce from a union that had actually benefitted us for over 40 years. 

"What do you mean you voted for Brexit?"

I recognise that no one wants a long-haul analysis of all the whys and wherefores of one of the most crass acts of self-harm we've inflicted on ourselves as a nation, but maybe I can quickly summarise in a few bullets:

- Britain had been in decline and fall as a country since the early 1950s. The swinging sixties only glossed over our underinvestment in manufacturing and technological innovation.

- Joining the EU (or EEC as it was then) in 1973 actually saved Britain from total stagnation. It gave us a bit of a lifeline and an economic boost for a while, but a deep-seated insularity prevented us from making the best of the opportunities on offer. 

- Governments (Conservative for the majority of the time) were not as 'state oriented' as on the continent, so our systemic slowness to modernise, and our deepening infrastructure malaise became stumbling blocks that we have still not overcome. Thatcherism has a lot to answer for.

- Our growing dependence on services and the financial sector to bolster GDP exacerbated a deepening divide between the poorest 30% and the wealthiest 20%, with the rest of us stranded somewhere in the middle.

- Faced with that malaise and its inherent inability to do what was necessary, the Conservative party started to infight, and the Brexit Referendum was Cameron's attempt to try and save the Tories from disintegrating all together. (Just look how that's worked out)

- Those who promised us that "getting our country back" would be in any way better than a dive back into the shrinking insularity and stagnation of the 1950s and 1960s were peddling illusion at best, cynical deception and lies at worst - as I think we've all come to realise after the event. Leaving the EU has been an economic and a social disaster for the UK and Reform/Restore would only lead us deeper into the hole we've dug for ourselves.

Seriously, folks, it's time to start planning to reverse the mistake and rejoin the EU.

"We've all been done."

For my poem, I've written a variant on Martin Niemöller's famous 1946 apology for not speaking out in opposition to the advances of fascism/nazism in 1930s Germany. Several other straightforward pastiches have appeared in recent years, and you can google alternative versions of the 'First they came for...' theme at your leisure.

However, I wanted to flip the narrative and give my rendition a different slant and structure, a more positive and progressive one in the face of the cynical attempt by right-wing billionaires to bankroll the overthrow of our cherished multicultural democratic values, a move that has been gathering pace, as I've intimated above, since the machinations of Brexit.

Specifically it was triggered by remarks by Reform's Zia Yusuf about a Somalian refugee, Sagal Abdi-Wali being put forward as the Labour candidate in the Holborn parliamentary by-election occasioned by the resignation of Sir Kier Starmer. Yusuf warned "The front runner being foisted on the people of Holborn by Labour to replace the former Prime Minister Keir Starmer in our Parliament was born in Somalia. Do you understand what’s happening?"

In point of fact, Ms Abdi-Wali came to the UK in the 1990s as a child refugee. Now in her forties, she is a British citizen, has been a local councillor for a decade and is currently the elected leader of Camden Council. Zia Yusuf is a major Reform donor who has never held political office.

They Came First
They came first to escape war
and I did not freak out,
because I was not a racist.

Then they came for social security
and I did not freak out,
because we are the sixth richest 

country in the world.

They they came for trades and training
and I did not freak out,
because they didn’t “take our jobs”,
often did work we didn’t want to do,
and they paid their taxes.

Then they came up for election
and I did not freak out,
because they had assimilated
into our democratic institutions
and frequently championed

multiculturalism at its best.

Then they came to be demonised

by the lies of wealthy xenophobes
and finally I did freak out,

because we all know

Martin Niemöller's poem

off by heart... 

...and this monstrous tide 

of modern monied fascism 

threatens to tear all that's good 

in our febrile "sceptred isle" apart.

Thanks for reading my stuff, S ;-)

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Deal Breaker

I started an article in Psychology Today about research into what makes a deal breaker in relationships. It was a bit technical but still very well written. And then I happened upon a site where people were commentating on what they really didn’t like in potential partners. I was hooked. The first one below is what kicked it off for me:

"Most common dealbreakers include abuse, rude to servers and others, drug use, adultery, etc. Ignoring the obvious dealbreakers, what are some unusual dealbreakers you have? For me, it was a hatred for theme parks. I couldn't have fun with someone like that."

"People who think reading is 'boring'."

"A hatred for fandom/dressing up. I love going all out for Halloween or theme parties etc. I couldn't be with someone who didn't want to go all out too."

"Camping. I hate it, I never want to do it again. Couldn't date someone who was into that sort of thing."

"Can’t cook? If you can’t cook, I can’t be with you. I’m not going to be the only one feeding us. If you can’t cook and expect me to feed you all the time it literally won’t work out."

"Not liking fun facts. I know who I am at this point and if you don't enjoy random tidbits of useless knowledge neither of us are gonna have a good time."

"I would veto someone for not knowing how to use apostrophes correctly."

"Influencers/lifestyle bloggers are a big no for me. Staging everything in life for likes is not how I want to live it."

"Posting pictures of themselves 'meditating' on social media. If you are meditating you wouldn't be trying to convince everyone that you're meditating... it's just weird."

"Don’t like people who chew with their mouth open or talk with a mouthful of food. Gross. I’m out if you do that."

"Those weird folks who take selfies constantly."

"Supporting Spurs - and I’m not joking,"

"I ended it with someone who once turned up in some bloody awful Paddington like checked trousers. I icked right there and then."

"A nail biter makes me cringe."

"Someone who’s too lazy to pronounce the TH sound - I live in Ireland."

"Sport, watching, playing, reading or talking about it. Any of it at anytime. And the gym."

"Astrology; homeopathy; imperfect grammar or syntax in text messages. All instant deal breakers."

"Anyone who wears what I think are horrible shoes - slip ons (double nope if they have tassels) pointy toed shoes, sandals (with or without socks) flip flops, crocs, sliders. Men should wear proper boots or decent trainers."

"I wouldn't date anyone with the same name as my ex. No thank you."

I can’t stand when people put wrappers into cups of tea/coffee that they’ve finished. Total deal breaker."

"Someone who didn’t like my dog sleeping at the end of the bed. He said it was her or him, it was an easy choice, I loved that dog."

As for the poem. I couldn’t resist this:

The author Daniel Defoe controversially wrote of the town mentioned in this poem in his 1704 book 'The Storm '. The town accused him of libel and refuted the allegations he made. Defoe wrote:

If I had any satire left to write,
Could I with suited spleen indite,
My verse should blast that fatal town,
And drown'd sailors' widows pull it down;
No footsteps of it should appear,
And ships no more cast anchor there.
The barbarous hated name of Deal shou'd die,
Or be a term of infamy;
And till that's done, the town will stand
A just reproach to all the land.

Thanks for reading, Terry Q.

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