Alternative Route

by Ashley Lister

 Whenever I see the illuminations, I often wonder how something so well-organised could have been managed by Blackpool Council. The poem below gives a fuller picture of how I perceive Blackpool Council to operate.

Alternative Route 

The mayor approached Blackpool Council

He looked as sad as the saddest sick pup.

“It’s a blow to the town,”

he said with a frown.

“But there’s a road that we’ve not yet dug up.”

The councillors cried out in horror

Their responses could not have been more shocked

They whispered and mumbled

And griped and then grumbled

Cos they knew every road should be blocked.

“It’s a breach of council policy,” one cried.

“The tax payers will think it’s a con.

They know it’s our jobs

To all act like knobs.

And stop roads from being driven upon.”

Another one paled rather gravely.

“This is the bad news that I’ve always feared.

For a century or more

Blackpool’s had just one law:

To make drivers regretting coming here.”

“How did this oversight happen?”

Asked a councillor who’d been quietly lurking

“You should feel like a fool.

Don’t you know it’s Blackpool?

Where none of the roads should be working.”

“I have messed up here,” said the mayor.

“They say I couldn’t find tits on a whore.

What I wanted to do

Was stop each of you

From driving from North to South Shore.”

“I think I should hand in my notice,” he said.

“And don’t worry, I won’t start a fight.

But since he paid us today,

Amounderness Way

Should be renamed after Eric Wright.”

Some of the council protested

And some of them taunted with jibes

But they did let him go

Because most, as you know,

Wanted their crack at his bribes.

“We are elected officials,” said the mayor.

“We’re the ones the el-ect-or-ate chose.”

It doesn’t matter

That our wallets get fatter

And we don’t know our arse from elbows.”

“What matters is our moral obligation

We should forget about creaming off loot.

But before I resign

I’d like to sell some old signs:

I’ve got eight gross saying, please use alternative route.”