How about Twilight apples?

 by Ashley Lister

 At the start of this month I was ill. There’s been talk that I was bitten by Aragog. Personally I think it was more like that creature from the alien films: Sigourney Weaver.

Anyway, I’m still on antibiotics. The infection has subsided and I no longer need the stick. But do you want to know how bad the illness got? Can you keep a secret? OK. Just between you and I, I got so sick at one point I even sat through the first of those godawful Twilight movies.

Obviously, because I was floating in and out of a delirium of narcotic-fuelled unhappiness, I might have missed some key plot points, so if anyone is familiar with Twilight, could you please help provide answers to the following questions?

When did vampires start to sparkle? Is that really pertinent to anything? They sparkle in sunlight, so they live somewhere rainy? Was that what they were saying? Or were my meds too strong? Are sparkly vampires really a thing? Why would menacing creatures of the night sparkle like some jewel-encrusted shit from the shopping channel?

Did no one else think it sinister that a character who is 100+ years old is hanging around a high school? Do Operation Yewtree know about this concept? Did that not strike anyone else as being a little bit creepy? If we don’t start worrying about things like that, the Jimmy Saviles and Gary Glitters of this world will forever remain unobserved.

Dante Alleghieri’s death mask has a better range of facial expression than Kirstin Stewart. Is she an animatronic? And, if so, why didn’t they get a working one for this film? I’ve seen the Mona Lisa do better acting. Even Roger Moore could raise an eyebrow. Kirstin Stewart can’t even raise a sparkly vampire’s bloodlust.

There’s a saying that, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. It’s somewhat telling that, after making myself endure the Twilight apple, I revisited my doctor and demanded more tablets. 

Anyone with answers to the above, please share your wisdom below.

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Scraps

 by Ashley Lister 

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 Dear Walls Sausages,

I am writing to ask if your sausage skins are compatible with water silicone lubricants?

Signed,

a curious sausage lover

***

Sometimes, when I’m between bouts of writing, teaching or exercises in muffin baking (that’s not a euphemism), I practice origami. I usually make origami football shirts – because the folding sequence on those is easy to remember. I like making them from five pound notes – that is, when I’m trusted with five pound notes. If I don’t have access to such large sums of money, I use scrap pieces of paper that already have some writing on them.

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Idea for a comic strip – Musty: the vomiting tramp. The title is self explanatory. Musty is a homeless Blackpool man possessed by the malevolent spirit of Margaret Thatcher. He goes round upchucking on seagulls and giving BJs in exchange for Subway sandwiches.

***

Obviously I don’t always have access to five pound notes. We live under a government filled with Tories so the chances of keeping hold of a five pound note long enough to fold it into a shirt are slimmer than an anorexic’s slice of Christmas cake. Under those circumstances, if I’m not able to get hold money, I search for scraps of paper from around the house.

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Idea for a children’s story – Cuthbert’s Special Friend!

It was a dark and stormy night when Cuthbert first discovered ‘the visitor’ growing out of his anus. “I hope it’s an alien who will talk to me and enjoy being squeezed occasionally,” he thought brightly. “And not just another haemorrhoid that bursts too easily when I’m tugging on it…”

Maybe this can be illustrated? Scratch and sniff?

***

Specific origami paper is prohibitively expensive. Consequently, I end up using those scraps of paper that have previously been used before. Sometimes these scraps contained scribbled ideas for stories…

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Idea for an erotic historical novel: Schindler’s Fist!

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…sometimes these are drafts of letters that I should never have sent…

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Dear Jim,

Can you fix it for me to be touched by a creepy old cigar-smoker?

Signed,

a child who grew up suddenly in the 70s

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…and sometimes they are simply the remnants of partially completed things-to-do lists…

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Start with an inappropriate sexual innuendo

Moan about the Tories

Make nob gags

Include an inappropriate reference to haemorrhoids

Steal a vulgar gag about sex in a film title

Do a Jimmy Savile joke

Remind everyone reading that you appreciate them visiting this page.

***

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Winter Blues

 by Ashley Lister

 Is it me or is the news getting more depressing?

Over the past few weeks there’ve been some heart-breaking and tragic stories in the news. We’ve had the posthumous allegations against Jimmy Savile. Whether these stories are true or not, all the news coverage is still a sickening reminder of the fashions that people openly wore in the 70s. We’ve had all those stories from the Tory party conference about what Darth Cameron intends to do if he is allowed to continue his apocalyptic reign of doom. It’s good to know we’ll be allowed to beat the shit out of burglars if they break into our homes. It’s just a shame that, under the current government, no one will be able to afford their own home before much longer.

As winter draws closer, the news will invariably become grimmer. Fuel bills will increase; sunlight hours will decrease; the weather, generally, will grow more unpleasant and, worst of all, everyone will be talking about football.

To that end, I suggest we should try and introduce some counter measures against the impending hiemal depression. I’ve been scouring the internet for ways to beat the winter blues and I’ve stumbled on five potential ideas that might be of use.

1) Express your creativity: You’ve come to the right place for this one. Write a poem and share it with us here at the Dead Good Blog.

2) Walk a dog: This one involves fresh air and the companionship of something furry with the ability to lick its own nether regions. Who could ask for more?

3) Talk with friends: And I mean talk! None of this txt msg wnk or tweeting or chat-room bollocks. Face-to-face talking where you can smell your friend’s nasty breath. (NB – don’t tell your friends that they have nasty breath).

4) Do something different: such as visiting a poetry event, like the one that will be occurring at the No. 5 Café on Friday October 26^th. It’s an Open Mic event with a theme of Ghostly Goings-On. Poetry begins at 6:00pm and it should be a great night’s entertainment.

5) Stay away from weirdoes like Dead Jimmy Savile and Darth Cameron. This, I feel, is self explanatory. It also helps to stay away from weirdoes who enjoy talking about football although, on this blog, that’s sometimes unavoidable.

If you have any personal suggestions for how to beat the winter blues, please share them in the comments box below.

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