Northern Man - Lock up your daughters

 My first encounter with what I now consider the archetypal Northern man was on a trip to the cinema with my family when I was about five years old. The stars were Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis. The film was The Vikings of course and the story although fictitious depicted invasion by Viking long boats on the shores of Britain. 

The story was filled with gore, sword wielding hunks and helpless Anglo-Saxon inhabitants. The musical score embedded itself in my musical heritage and drifts into my thoughts whenever I think about Vikings. They were Ragnar, Einar,  Erik and Sven. Scarred and strong, clad in leather and metal, they were the stuff of a young girl's dreams. That prototype wouldn't be surpassed until Russell Crowe stole my heart as he hit the big screen as Gladiator Maximus.  Life would never be the same again. If you happen to know him, please give him my number. 

History lessons told us that the Vikings were seafaring warriors who came here to pillage our land but that is not really true. They were mainly traders, skilled metal workers and farmers, They came here to settle, possibly even to escape the colder climes of the far north and many integrated with existing communities. 

It was well known that when trading with other nations, they often embraced the religion of that place, sometimes producing amulets depicting both Thor's hammer and the Christian cross. Eventually some who settled in Britain abandoned the traditional Viking funeral, set adrift at sea on a burning vessel, in favour of burial in a churchyard. The initial attack on Lindisfarne however was a massacre. The Monastery was destroyed and all monks living on the island were massacred. Seems to have been a clash of paganism and Christianity.

Northern Man in a Nutshell

Raping and pillaging
strapping invaders
sailed in on longboats
blowing their horns.

Leather and metal
falcons and flagons
forging fine jewels
from silver and gold.

Pagan they came here
hearing the stories
of a god more forgiving
than those of their own

slowly embracing
Christian community
wedding the Saxon
farming and fathering

sowing the seeds
of ancestral thrones
here in the soil
of an alien land.


Thanks for reading. Adele

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A Modest Proposal

A Modest Proposal For Preventing Government Policy, from Being a Burden on Families or the Country as a whole, and for Making them Beneficial to the Public

It has come to my attention that true democracy in the UK isn’t being played out in the ballot boxes of the voting booths come polling day, but instead the people of this green and pleasant isle exact their will by use of telephone or text voting on so called reality TV shows. It would seem that the logical conclusion to this trend would be to create shows that directly affect the policies that the audience deems important and wishes to have a say in.

As an example I wish to put forward the following format as a pilot scheme.

I propose having a Prime time TV show divided into three stages:

Stage 1: an X-factor styled event, only instead of just singers our judges will look at any talent whatsoever. From great mathematicians to magic acts, every possible talent will be viewed and based on what the judges say, the individual will be either allowed though the next round or sent packing.

Stage 2: a Gladiator competition where the winners from the first round beat the hell out of each other with soft ended giant cotton buds and compete to get through preposterous assault courses with various celebrity Gladiators like Wolf, Storm and Keith Chegwin trying to stop them.

Stage 3: The strongest and fastest from stage two make it through to a Big Brother house from which the public vote out the contestants. During their stay in the House the competitors will undergo tasks and “Bush Tucker” type challenges. These “Housemates” will be whittled down by phone vote until the final day when the public get to choose which Asylum Seeker gets to enter the country. All losers will be dropped out of a trap door hanging over the White Cliffs of Dover onto an inflatable slide, which deposits them safely onto a boat back from whence they came.

The show will be called “”I'm an Asylum Seeker, Get Me Into Here!” and will be hosted by Ant and Dec

The winner will be allowed to enter the country with their family (up to six members) and be given everything that Asylum Seekers are entitled to.

So not only will this show entertain the masses but also help with the current immigration problem. Now we can be sure that the people who enter this country will be talented, strong and liked by the public.

If successful, more shows could be made to help make important decisions on other policy issues of contention.

Other shows that could be considered would be:

• Unemployed and Pointless
• Who wants this Millionaire to have a tax break?
• The X Frackers

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