by Ashley Lister
In 1927 the American writer Max Ehrmann wrote Desiderata – a tone poem that offered words of wisdom intended to
lead to happiness. A similar piece, written as a column for the Chicago
Tribune, was produced in 1998 by a journalist called Mary Schmich. A version of
Schmich’s column, which was originally entitled, Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young,
was recorded by Baz Lurmann under the title Feel Free to Wear Sun Screen.
And, whilst those works have influenced the style of this piece, I
should also add that it’s been more heavily influenced by advice from teaching colleagues.
Advice
to the Millennium Generation
1 – Boys. Pull your trousers up. I don’t want to look at your
underpants. Or your backsides. It’s a symptom of a sad society when young men have
forgotten how to properly operate a pair of trousers.
2 – Girls. Stop being orange. Only oompah loompas, the tango man and
David Dickinson are supposed to be orange. If God had wanted you to be that
colour you would have been born in Chernobyl.
3 – All students. Bring a pen to the classroom. This is not rocket surgery.
You’re in a classroom. There is paper and there might be learning. There’s a
strong chance you might need to write something down and – unlike you – a pen might
prove useful.
4 – Boys. Don’t mumble. If you’re asking a question I need to hear it
before I can answer. That’s the way these vocal exchanges work away from the role
playing games on your XBox.
5 – Girls. Don’t mumble. If you’re answering a question the chances are
you’re wrong. But at least let me hear what you’re saying so I can laugh about
it later and share your inanities with colleagues in the staffroom.
6 – All students. Bathe. Wash. Shower. And don’t just do this once a
term. Do it regularly. And do something more than spraying two cans of Lynx
Africa at the most pungent parts of your anatomy.
7 – All Students. For the love of God: please don’t breed. Ever since
the Baby Boomers, each subsequent generation has been part of humanity’s
downward spiral. If the urge to breed does come upon you, either sniff your
partner, look at its orange colour, listen to it mumbling, or notice that it’s
walking with its pants round its ankles. Surely these observations will be
enough to deter you all from breeding.
8 – All Students. Follow the example of your elders and always show
respect and tolerance.