Thursday, 18 October 2012

Memento Moribund

08:30:00 Posted by Damp incendiary device , , , , , , , , , , , , 2 comments
*Contains words which some people (probably not my friends and for reasons which I've never really understood) may find offensive*

Last week I killed a cat.  So my teenage daughter tells me.  I took a popular image of a grumpy cat and added some text.  It was a political comment.  It required a bit of thinking.  It wasn't funny.  Contemporary humour - I'm doing it wrong.  It's an age thing.

This week an old lady phoned my workplace and told me about the trouble she was having with her new phone.  You're thinking about the difficulty in adapting to the Android platform after using iOS arent you?  No - she was struggling with a new touchpad phone...On her landline (remember those?).  For her, this was a mammoth leap.  Not for her trending buzzwords or memes.  And not for me either it appears.  I don't have the necessary inclination, or youth, to keep up with that shit.  I only just figured out how to copy and paste on my tablet.  It took me 2 weeks.

And now, with a hop to the right, a shuffle backwards and an undignified lurch into a ditch, here are some vaguely comedic offerings which grew out of the awkward theme: Child's Play. 

Vicky's Very Helpful Guide to Register 
(or How to Paint Your Personality a Likeable Shade of Puce)

Describing Your Manager's Job Description

To your colleague: I accept that what she does could be described as challenging.
To your mother: It's child's play mum, seriously - even you could do it...Ow!  What was that for?
To your friend: What she does right, it's a fucking piece of piss...A piece...of...piss.

Declaring Your Sincere Gratitude

To your colleague: Ahhh.  You know what, you make a really great brew you do.
To your mother: What? I can't hear you.  Hang on a sec.  Right, what were you saying?  Oh yeah - thanks.
To your friend: Without you, I wouldn't even be here mate.  No, I mean it - you are a hero to me, a bloody hero - you know?  Hero...Like Gandalf or something.


To your colleague: I might not have sent that e-mail after all but it really doesn't make much difference if you look at the big picture.
To your mother: Well if you'd said you wanted to leave at 11am, I'd have been here at 11am.  One of us must have got it wrong.
To your friend: No, no, it was me.  Don't you apologise - it's all me.  I'm a right moron.  Here, take my first born in compensation.

Asking a Favour

To a colleague: Ooh, that's going to be awkward....Oh no - I can't believe that's happened...Eek - what am I going to do now?....Ah, seeing as you asked...
To your mother: I'm taking the black dress with the slit up the back.  Remind me to bring it back will you?
To your friend: Right, I'm up the shitty river and I can't roll my sleeves up any further.  What have you got that's paddle-shaped and useful at S&M parties?

Responding to Political Controversy

To a colleague: I'm sure you're right - it'll be good to have a bit of a change.  After all, how much damage can they do in 5 years?
To your mother: I don't care if it was in the Daily Mail - it doesn't make it true in the real world.
To your friend: Cunts.  Creepy, cretinous, clownish cunts.  Huh?  Feminism?  OK...Cocks.  Creepy, cretinous, clownish cocks.



Ashley R Lister said...

'clownish cocks'

We should have this as a theme for a future event. Maybe it could even be fancy dress.

Great post.


S said...

Is that George Osbourne's cat?

He doesn't mean fun, he means sex.