Complex shade of Grey?

By Louise Barklam

Which are you? Dark/Light or Light/Dark? Strange question you might think, but quite the contrary. It’s also another way of asking whether you’re an Optimist or a Pessimist. I class myself as a glass half full kind of gal. Not quite the eternal optimist, but I do like to try and make something positive from a negative. At the end of the day, life is what you make of it, and let’s face it, it’s too damned short! We’re all “taught” lessons from day 1 of being on this earth, and it’s down to ourselves to lead by example if we want certain things better for ourselves collectively.

We all suffer when events in our lives take a turn for the worse, whether mildly or extremely. Yes, life sure can give us a hell of a kicking from time to time, and sometimes, it’s just one sodding thing after another. Yet I refuse to let the bad things, whatever they may be, get me to a point where I cannot enjoy the “blessings” that I have been given. A few examples at present are:

* I don’t have a lot of money. I live hand to mouth, week to week. Does it get me down? No. I won’t let it. There are people in the world far worse off than I am.

* My beautiful 4 year old son has Autism (a learning difficulty). Does it get me down? Absolutely not! He is all the more precious because of it.

* I am a Widow. Am I sad because of that? Of course. Well I am only human.

I recognise that I, just like everyone else, have faults. I change those that I can and accept those which I cannot. I have a copy of the Desiderata that hangs on my wall, and although I’m not necessarily a “Churchy” type person, I admire the sentiment behind it and try to follow at least some of what it “preaches”.

I don’t deny that there are times when I am down/depressed. It happened a couple of weeks ago I was brooding. So trying to take a positive out of that darker mood, I put pen to paper and wrote a poem about how I was feeling over my loss. I was going to save it to read at the next DGPS Evening on 1^st June but thought it was appropriate for this weeks theme on the Blog. This is what I came up with:

　

Flawed Diamond

Don’t ask me to be who I once was,

That person has long gone,

Events conspired, altered my persona,

Time, etched lines on my brow so very long.

Once like a diamond, so beautiful,

Inside and out so very pure,

Now this diamond rarely stuns,

Its brilliance dimmed by an ugly flaw.

I am still that very same gem stone,

But my conceptions have markedly changed,

GRIEF and ANGER have gouged their mark,

Reducing face value, now maimed.

Altered forever, but is that so bad?

We all change over the years,

This diamond then black, now turns to grey,

Becomes clearer with the passing of fears.

The wound I suffered alters the light,

The prism no longer neat,

Skewed, yet still radiating, luminescent,

Its vision just not quite so sweet.

I glint in the dark awaiting the time,

When glorious sunlight should shine on in,

Incandescence blinding, yet cleansing my soul,

Making me more beautiful once again.

Nothing can remove that ugly flaw,

It remains as a reminder so strong,

Just don’t ask me to be who I once was,

That person has long gone!

　

Although this may seem to be dark, it was my way of recognising my pain, and trying to accept that which I cannot change. But in the long run, I will always do my best to make the best of a situation. So although at present I may be a complex shade of grey, ultimately I am a Warrior on the side of Light. I will lead by example. I will shine once again.

Thanks for reading my waffle.

P.S. If you look up the name “Louise” in Baby name books, it means Beautiful Warrior.