I Love You

I was a bit flummoxed by this week’s topic of I Love You but as luck would have it I was in Kendal yesterday and popped into The Famous 1657 Chocolate House as usual and found this bar so I’m going to start it now and I’m sure it will bring me luck in the writing.

I’m not going to write about chocolate, although it’s tempting, but about dating agencies. When I was younger there were loads of different ways of meeting a prospective partner be it through pubs, night clubs, social clubs, work etc. Now I’m retired most of those options are unavailable or not attractive to me and anyway, in general, people now don’t seem to go out as much.

So to get an idea of what those agencies are suggesting I’ve had a trawl through some of the sites looking for suggestions. I’m happy to pass them on. Beginning with this advice:

Many of us are under the illusion that falling in love solves all our problems. Not only is this not true, but a relationship can also bring us a whole new set of problems to navigate. So before you rush into finding love, figure out what you truly want and need. When you can name it, you’ll be able to spot in more clearly when you see it. That’s a good start. Except for the bit about ‘a whole new set of problems’ and ‘what you truly want and need’.

So, I’m going to presume that someone knows the wants and needs (I don’t). What next? The common thread is that you need to take care of yourself first. Devote the time you have on your own to taking really good care of yourself. Make self-care a priority, and try and do at least one thing each day to make yourself feel looked after and loved. This could be good.

They say that there are loads of things you can do. Cook yourself nutritious meals (well I like broccoli), move your body (eh?). Try meditating (on what?), socialize (don’t like it and don’t even mention a dinner party), find a new hobby (fair enough), have a makeover (you what!?)

Pause to say that the chocolate bar is now half way through.

So the agencies suggest that the loads of things will be beneficial for your health on all levels and will promote a more positive outlook on life (no chance, I’m a glass half empty person). Plus, that will tend to attract people who match our own energy (is this a good thing?). So if your vibe is an inspiring, infectious, full of life one, you’re likely to attract people with similar vibrations (exactly the sort of person I would avoid like the plague).

Ok, let’s now presume that you have met someone through an agency, they give tips for that first date:

Do ask questions
Don’t be late
Do put your phone away (Oh, please put your phone away)
Don’t break the bank (bit difficult if it’s a walk in the park)
Do have pristine (?) manners
Don’t pretend
Do present yourself well (I have some wonderful cardigans)
Don’t say I Love You.

And maybe, just maybe, there will a time and place where you will be able to say those three little words.

The chocolate bar has one bit left and I’m going to have that when I sign out.

This poem was written a few years ago.

On Line Dating

The difficult bit
is the smile,
so thank god for digital cameras.
Two hours and four mirrors
for a self timed natural look
of caring warm sincerity.

After that
the words are a breeze
and so they should be
imagery and rhythm
that space between lines
the bit that’s waiting
to be what you want it to be
which by now is obviously me.

And I’m looking for a woman
who isn’t fun loving
young for her age
who doesn’t like
walking in the rain
on a beach
under a full moon
while boring me senseless
with a wicked sense of humour
before driving herself
back to Camden
to dry those stupid shoes
before a late booking
at that so new Cambodian bistro.

And if you think
I’ve got the nerve
to actually put that down
then please email
all letters answered
photo essential
or if guaranteed even slight likeness
to Meg Ryan (circa Sleepless in Seattle)
please ignore above
and contact direct
on 822...

First published in Pennine Platform, Nov 2009.

Thanks for reading, Terry Q.

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PS I Love You (no, really I do)

I love you. Three little words.

I have a bit of a love hate relationship with those three little words. And it’s not because I don’t like them or I never use them. Let me explain.

When I was growing up in the ‘50s and ‘60s, in a very close knit, nurturing family, I’m sure we all loved each other, and we knew we were loved, but, as I recall, the sentiment was very rarely verbalised. Certainly, my brothers and I would never have expressed such a feeling to each other, and even now I think I’ve only ever said it to them in jest, and they’ve done the same to me.

Mum and dad obviously loved each other. It showed in the way they spoke to each other, laughed, joked and bickered, and the way dad would put his arm around mum or place his hand on hers when sitting together. Not long before my dad died mum told me that every time she passed dad on her way out of the room he would grab her hand and give it a little squeeze. There was no doubt that was all part of their love language.

As for us children, we had hugs, kisses and cuddles galore from our mum, and only less from dad because he wasn’t always there first thing in the morning and when we went to bed. He worked long hours to provide for us, there’s love in that too. We didn’t need to question the love between us all. It was just there, an invisible, all enveloping cloud of safety and well being. Those three little words didn’t really need to be said. My generation and those before me very rarely verbalised that feeling.

My husband was the first person to actually tell me he loved me. I think I might have laughed - we were three weeks into a fledgling relationship and I certainly didn’t reciprocate. That came later and I guess we must both have been sincere because we’re still together fifty two years later.

We married and had babies. We told them often that we loved them. They grew up hearing those words and no doubt becoming immune to them, but that didn’t stop us, and like the little sponges they were, they began repeating those three little words back to us. The babies became teenagers, then adults and began to pronounce their love for people far more important at that time than their parents. We never stopped loving each other, it just wasn’t articulated so often.

I gained a son in law, two daughters in law and an ex of each too. I loved them all and they seemed to love me but the ‘I love yous’ were used sparingly. The girls, including my daughter were much more likely to tell each other, than were the males.

So where does this love hate relationship come from?

I think it started a few years ago with the use of the word, ‘hun.’ A word that, try as I might, I could not find rolling off my tongue. I knew it was a form of affection but it just didn’t sit right with me. I cringed as I heard it or saw it in print. I was nobody’s hun and nobody was mine. I was more of a ‘sweetheart/darling/matey’ kind of friend. And I’m sure that made others cringe too.

So... When the ‘I love yous’ started flying around it had a similar effect. They didn’t love me, I didn’t love them. It was just empty words to fill a gap. And those empty words were hugely overused. To me, of the boomer generation, the ‘I love yous,’ were reserved for our partners and our children, and mainly in private.

However, over time I’ve come to accept that I’m going to hear those words wherever I go, not necessarily directed at me but between teenage girls, young mothers, mums and grandmas with their children and babies. It’s what people say. Maybe it’s not always strictly true. Who am I to judge? It does no harm. I find myself articulating it to family members much more frequently these days. I love the grandchildren’s parroted responses. It gives me comfort.

I only ever told my dad I loved him once in his life. It was after a silly argument, a week before he died. I was leaving the house to return to Blackpool when I felt compelled to go back in, give him a hug and tell him I loved him. It was the last time I saw him. These days, on my way to bed, I often give his ashes a little kiss and tell him I love him. Somehow it’s easier when he can’t see me or answer back.

I have a friend who always signs off her messages, ‘Keep sprinkling that love.’ I like that. It’s an instruction, not a declaration.

I can do that.

Mixed Messages

Once, on MSN
Remember that?
Chatting to a man
About an IT problem
When my daughter popped up
All the way from the USA
I had two conversations on the go
IT man trying arrange a visit
Daughter telling me of her adventures
I thought I was an expert in multi tasking
I congratulated myself
On slipping seamlessly between messages

That was
Until I arranged for daughter to visit
next week at 3pm
And told IT man ‘I love you.’

Thanks for reading, Jill.

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