by Ashley Lister
Below are five things I don’t tell people about myself:
1) I’m a lousy driver. I drive in a state of constant road rage.
Sitting next to me whilst I’m in rush hour traffic is like sitting next to a sailor
on shore leave, suffering from Tourette’s, trying to recite Eminem lyrics.
2) Out of our four dogs, I have a favourite: Spike. I appreciate that a good dog owner does not have favourites but I'm not a good dog owner and Spike is my favourite dog. He holds a position of esteem above all the other pets and some of the human members of the family. He is laid-back, possesses a pot-belly and has a weakness for chocolate biscuits. I think
we have a lot in common. Except only one of us eats turds. 
3) I love to display the Union Flag because I have national pride
but I worry that it makes me look like a racist or a sport enthusiast: neither
of which are looks I would wish to cultivate.
4) Whenever I’m writing short fiction I have a habit of
starting too many sentences in the first draft with the word ‘and’. Obviously
these instances of the word ‘and’ get deleted as the second draft is processed
but they’re always there at the start, like clumsy thumbprints in moulded plaster.
5) I have a strong desire to learn how to do the Gangnam Style
dance. Consideration and respect for my colleagues prevents me from attempting this.