Monsters - Hallowe'en

 

They arrived in small groups or just pairs. We heard the giggles and the shuffling before the knock on the door sent us hurrying into the hall. We were ready. I was, as always once a year, the witchiest witch and this time I had the pale faced Wednesday Addams helping for a little while until it was time for her to join the others outside.  Our first visitors, Harry Potter with his friend, Hermione, had escaped Hogwarts to come scavenging and helped themselves from my cauldron of appealing sweets and chocolate.  Scary monsters and super-creeps (sing) turned up in day-glo and luminescent colours, all looking wonderful – some people have amazing artistic skills and come into their own at Hallowe’en. I always do my best to get into the swing of it. Years ago I worked at our local infant school and all the children and some parents knew me. I didn’t recognise them as ghosts, vampires and spooks, but they knew me well and laughed at my witch alter-ego. Now they bring their own children to knock on my door. I’m obviously older than I thought. Not all of our visitors looked like monsters. A group of very well dressed young men, aged around nine or ten hoped I was having a pleasant evening as they took items from the cauldron. Their grown-ups waited at the end of the drive. The boys were amused at me being dressed up.

“I’m a witch, you should be scared!”

“Nothing scares us, we’re Peaky Blinders.”

Well, that was me told. Fighting to keep my face straight, I returned to my witch duties indoors. They surely weren’t old enough to watch Peaky Blinders? They certainly looked the part, though, and no, they didn’t scare me. I would have turned them into frogs, or something.  The grandchildren came back with their tubs nearly overflowing. I tried to cadge a few bits, but no-one was sharing – poor Nanna. Before they went home I had my usual moan about lollipops being dangerous things - I bin them out of sweets multipacks - and I made my usual speech about brushing teeth properly to keep their mouths healthy and Peggy, the tooth fairy happy. Hallowe’en is done for another year. By eight o’clock my cauldron was empty so the pumpkin fairy lights were switched off and removed from the front window, real pumpkins rescued from the rain and I swapped my witch clothes for comfy pyjamas.

The scariest monsters are the demons that live within us. Actual people who caused trouble, problems or any form of upset that we can’t shake off. The monster isn’t there all the time, perhaps, but lurking in the background ready to pounce when spirits are low, we feel tired, or it’s the middle of the night when our worries are magnified. They might bite now and again, but don’t let them win.

Let’s stay upbeat with  Roger McGough and Dr JCC,

First Day at School

A millionbillionwillion miles from home
Waiting for the bell to go. (To go where?)
Why are they all so big, other children?
So noisy? So much at home they
Must have been born in uniform
Lived all their lives in playgrounds
Spent the years inventing games
That don't let me in. Games
That are rough, that swallow you up.

And the railings.
All around, the railings.
Are they to keep out wolves and monsters?
Things that carry off and eat children?
Things you don't take sweets from?
Perhaps they're to stop us getting out
Running away from the lessins. Lessin.
What does a lessin look like?
Sounds small and slimy.
They keep them in the glassrooms.
Whole rooms made out of glass. Imagine.

I wish I could remember my name
Mummy said it would come in useful.
Like wellies. When there's puddles.
Yellowwellies. I wish she was here.
I think my name is sewn on somewhere
Perhaps the teacher will read it for me.
Tea-cher. The one who makes the tea.

Roger McGough


I Married a Monster from Outer Space

The milky way she walks around
All feet firmly off the ground
Two worlds collide, two worlds collide
Here comes the future bride
Gimme a lift to the lunar base
I wanna marry a monster from outer space

I fell in love with an alien being
Whose skin was jelly – whose teeth were green
She had the big bug eyes and the death-ray glare
Feet like water wings – purple hair
I was over the moon – I asked her back to my place
Then I married the monster – from outer space

The days were numbered – the nights were spent
In a rent free furnished oxygen tent
When a cyborg chef served up moon beams
Done super rapid on a laser beam
I needed nutrition to keep up the pace
When I married the monster from outer space

We walked out – tentacle in hand
You could sense that the earthlings would not understand
They’d go.. nudge nudge …when we got off the bus
Saying it’s extra-terrestial – not like us
And it’s bad enough with another race
But fuck me… a monster …from outer space

In a cybernetic fit of rage
She pissed off to another age
She lives in 1999
With her new boyfriend – a blob of slime
Each time I see her translucent face
I remember the monster from outer space

Dr John Cooper Clarke


Thanks for reading, Pam x

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Monsters

I know that the theme is Monsters but I’m going to look at one monster i.e. The Loch Ness one on the basis that there have been many different shapes and sizes of the thing over the years.

I first became really aware of the Monster back in 1985 when I moved up to Inverness to work in the hospital there. I lived in one of the Staff Residences near the Loch and had many evening and weekend runs or walks along the shore. It was delightful to let my imagination roam across the water.

There are far too many alleged sightings of aquatic creatures to fit into this article so I will choose some of my favourites and start, as one should, at the beginning.

Saint Columba (565 CE)
The earliest report of a monster in the vicinity of Loch Ness appears in the Life of St. Columba by Adomnán, written in the sixth century AD. According to Adomnán, writing about a century after the events described, Irish monk Saint Columba was staying in the land of the Picts with his companions when he encountered local residents burying a man by the River Ness. They explained that the man was swimming in the river when he was attacked by a "water beast" that mauled him and dragged him underwater despite their attempts to rescue him by boat. Columba sent a follower, Luigne moccu Min, to swim across the river. The beast approached him, but Columba made the sign of the cross and said: "Go no further. Do not touch the man. Go back at once.” The creature stopped as if it had been "pulled back with ropes" and fled, and Columba's men and the Picts gave thanks for what they perceived as a miracle.

Aldie Mackay (1933)
The best-known article that first attracted a great deal of attention about a creature was published on 2 May 1933 in The Inverness Courier, about a large "beast" or "whale-like fish". The article by Alex Campbell, water bailiff for Loch Ness and a part-time journalist, discussed a sighting by Aldie Mackay of an enormous creature with the body of a whale rolling in the water in the loch while she and her husband John were driving on the A82 on 15 April 1933. "The creature disported itself, rolling and plunging for fully a minute.

Loch Ness Monster?

Hugh Gray (1933)

Hugh Gray's photograph (above) taken near Foyers on 12 November 1933 was the first alleged to depict the monster. It was slightly blurred, and it has been noted that if one looks closely the head of a dog can be seen.

William Fraser (1938)
On 15 August 1938, William Fraser, chief constable of Inverness-shire, wrote a letter that the monster existed beyond doubt and expressed concern about a hunting party that had arrived (with a custom-made harpoon gun) determined to catch the monster "dead or alive". He believed his power to protect the monster from the hunters was "very doubtful".

As I said there are many more such reports and photos but my most favourites of all concern the search, which is the most important aspect and one chap I met when I was there who had a set up just like the one below and he told me that he had a grant for a year to watch the Loch for Nessie for a year from the carpark of the pub in Dores.

But even that is beaten by Steve Feltham who moved to the banks of Loch Ness in 1991, and has dedicated over half his life to the search for the truth about the legendary monster. He has previously been recognised by Guinness World Records for the longest continuous monster-hunting vigil of the loch. 

Steve Feltham

"I hold the world record for hunting Nessie. I've kept watch since June 19, 1991. I'm going to stay here until I get the proof, that's my life's work...” 

A tourist attraction in his own right, fans of the mystery often travel up to the loch as much to speak with Steve, in his former mobile library home at Dores, as they do to try and spot the monster.

And if he did find it, would the monster sound like this?

The Loch Ness Monster’s Song by Edwin Morgan
from From Glasgow to Saturn (Carcanet, 1973)

Sssnnnwhuffffll?
Hnwhuffl hhnnwfl hnfl hfl?
Gdroblboblhobngbl gbl gl g g g g glbgl.
Drublhaflablhaflubhafgabhaflhafl fl fl –
gm grawwwww grf grawf awfgm graw gm.
Hovoplodok – doplodovok – plovodokot-doplodokosh?
Splgraw fok fok splgrafhatchgabrlgabrl fok splfok!
Zgra kra gka fok!
Grof grawff gahf?
Gombl mbl bl –
blm plm,
blm plm,
blm plm,
blp.
bbb

Thanks for reading, Terry Q.

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Did you check under your bed?

Whether you believe in fairies or not, one should never take the chance. Because what if you're wrong? What if all those things are real? That as you sleep Trolls come and try to steal your breath, or monsters as big as your room come to feast on your eyes.

What if every nightmare you've ever had wasn't a dream, but just your way of remember what actually happen that night? Is it worth taking the chance? For five minutes of your life each night, is it worth risking your very soul?

Take heed of the lessons of old written in the texts of tales. Centuries have morphed them into children's stories, rhymes of amusement. Read them and remember their lessons, for these are not just fanciful yarns designed to induce imagined creatures dancing in the shadows of the fires light. These so called 'fairy tales' are a warning to anyone who will listen. 

As the night draws near and dusk begins to snuff out the days sun, remember to doubt what you think you know, take the safe option. 

Are your sure your windows and doors locked?  Are the draft cracks covered? and...

Did you check under your bed?

When you lie alone at night,

Just before your eye shut tight,

And the journey of your dreams takes flight.

Did you check under your bed?

Make sure the monsters aren't hiding there,

In-between boxes discarded without care,

Waiting to jump out to give you nightmares.

Did you check under your bed?

Using your torch the examine the corners,

For wee little beasties and nocturnal marauders,

Often found in the pages of horror authors.

Did you check under your bed?

That scratching sound is it a cat?

Or maybe a giant mutated rat?

Looking for a new habitat?

Did you check under your bed?

Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies and Demons,

Ghosts, Ghouls and creatures of legions,

You could be moments away from being eaten?

Always check under your bed!

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Come Friendly Bombs

Come hold me now,
Come see the sun,
Come stand with me until the morning comes.
And as the warm red sky of dawn ignites,
We wave good bye to the bad dreams,
Of those monsters in the night.

And with only minutes left,
We remember fallen friends,
And give thanks to the life,
The life we had,
The life that we left behind.

Come smiling tanks
Come friendly Bombs,
Come lay waste to our towns with your loud song.
And as the building fires burn bright,
We welcome back in to our minds,
The monsters in the night.

And with only time to spend,
We count our missing friends.
And give thanks to the life,
The life we had,
The life that we left behind.

Come sit with me,
Come dry my tears,
Come help with the pain of all my years.
And as my own dusk starts to fall,
I understand your feeling Dad,
As your bell began to toll.

And with only moment till the end,
I see my long lost friends.
And give thanks to the life,
The life I had,
The life that I leave behind.

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They danced by the light of the moon

Back in March I posted a few lines of poetic prose on Facebook.  Nikki Magennis and Davina Geraghty helped me to make small changes to the language, to tighten it up.  I rather enjoyed the process of the communal edit.  Here's what we did:

Version 1

Evening soaking into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow stream from the rushes, to the scandalized cries of the corvid community.

Version 2

Evening soaks into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow rip from the rushes to the scandalized squalls of the corvid congregation.


So, this week I would like the help of you, Lear readers, to edit a new poem I'm working on.  All suggestions considered.  I am happy with the intentions behind the poem, it's the structure, rhythm, rhyme etc that I would like your help with please.  Ideally I would like to perform this at Lancaster on Friday. And so...


Poke Lear's Monster

Joy scribbles writhe in liminal puddles
Brutal and messy; compulsory corpses
Owl succumbs to Pussy Cat's splashes

Joy scribbles menace old watermills,
Harbours, cracked runcibles;
Metamorbid with their baggage of
Comments on Neo-Conservatives, loss
Or a childish compulsion:
Scab scoffing
Sand snacking
Glue grazing


Pica.  They call it pica.
Magpie.  Mudpie.
Picah-ah-ah-
Chew.

Bless You.

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