Back in March I posted a few lines of poetic prose on Facebook. Nikki Magennis and Davina Geraghty helped me to make small changes to the language, to tighten it up. I rather enjoyed the process of the communal edit. Here's what we did:
Version 1
Evening soaking into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow stream from the rushes, to the scandalized cries of the corvid community.
Version 2
Evening soaks into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow rip from the rushes to the scandalized squalls of the corvid congregation.
So, this week I would like the help of you, Lear readers, to edit a new poem I'm working on. All suggestions considered. I am happy with the intentions behind the poem, it's the structure, rhythm, rhyme etc that I would like your help with please. Ideally I would like to perform this at Lancaster on Friday. And so...
Poke Lear's Monster
Joy scribbles writhe in liminal puddles
Brutal and messy; compulsory corpses
Owl succumbs to Pussy Cat's splashes
Joy scribbles menace old watermills,
Harbours, cracked runcibles;
Metamorbid with their baggage of
Comments on Neo-Conservatives, loss
Or a childish compulsion:
Scab scoffing
Sand snacking
Glue grazing
Pica. They call it pica.
Magpie. Mudpie.
Picah-ah-ah-
Chew.
Bless You.
Version 1
Evening soaking into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow stream from the rushes, to the scandalized cries of the corvid community.
Version 2
Evening soaks into the trees like broth into torn bread. Thickened air, like warm breath on a cool mirror. Magpie and Crow rip from the rushes to the scandalized squalls of the corvid congregation.
So, this week I would like the help of you, Lear readers, to edit a new poem I'm working on. All suggestions considered. I am happy with the intentions behind the poem, it's the structure, rhythm, rhyme etc that I would like your help with please. Ideally I would like to perform this at Lancaster on Friday. And so...
Poke Lear's Monster
Joy scribbles writhe in liminal puddles
Brutal and messy; compulsory corpses
Owl succumbs to Pussy Cat's splashes
Joy scribbles menace old watermills,
Harbours, cracked runcibles;
Metamorbid with their baggage of
Comments on Neo-Conservatives, loss
Or a childish compulsion:
Scab scoffing
Sand snacking
Glue grazing
Pica. They call it pica.
Magpie. Mudpie.
Picah-ah-ah-
Chew.
Bless You.