Saturday, 29 December 2012

I don’t want a lot for Christmas

00:00:00 Posted by Ashley Lister , , 5 comments

 By Ashley Lister

 Call me a grumpy old sod if you like but I’m relieved that Christmas is over for another six months.
Please don’t misunderstand. I love the idea of giving gifts. I adore the idea of receiving gifts. I enjoy eating to excess. I relish the pleasure of drinking until my liver starts to sob. I live to not work for a fortnight.
But I despise Christmas songs. If I never hear another Christmas song it will be too damned soon. In no particular order I loathe the following songs:

I Wish it Could be Christmas Every Day.
What a stupid f***ing sentiment! All the shops would be shut (apart from Tesco Express, which is only ever used for last minute milk runs). Who the hell could live in a world like that? Society would collapse and anarchy would reign supreme.

Fairytale of New York
How the hell is this meant to represent the spirit of Christmas? A drunken Irishman being verbally abused by his mouthy, ungrateful spouse? Admittedly, Christmas is a time when incidents of spousal abuse increase, but should we really be commemorating this hateful statistic with a bloody song?

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Ostracised by elitist reindeer in Santa’s SS squadron of reindeer (because he doesn’t fit into the template of Aryan/Reindeer perfection) Rudolph is eventually accepted by these snobs because his physical deformity proves useful on a single occasion.
Notice how there is no contrition from the other reindeer. None of them apologise for the emotional hardship, trauma and cruelty they made him endure. Personally, if I’d been Rudolph, I would have told all the reindeer, and Santa, to go and do one.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town
This song contains the line, “He sees you when you’re sleeping.” The only people who see you when you’re sleeping are stalkers, serial killers and people who want to touch you inappropriately on public transport. This line horrifies me.

Jingle Bell Rock
This has always struck me as a form of sing-along-autism. I can imagine Dustin Hoffman’s character from Rain Man arbitrarily putting the words ‘Jingle Bell’ in front of a variety of seasonal nouns, (Jingle Bell chime and Jingle Bell time) to create this sort of uncomfortable auditory melange. I can also imagine his counsellor suggesting an increase in his meds to address this sort of behaviour.

Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree
This one terrifies me.
Brenda Lee has tried to paint a picture of benign festive domesticity. There’s mistletoe. There’s music. There’s singing. There’s food.
But there’s only one type of food – pumpkin f***ing pie. There’s only one song we’re allowed to sing – Deck the f***ing halls. And we’re meant to sing it in perpetuity – like a purgatory of Christmas where we have to sing it, go carolling so we can sing it some more, and then eat more of that f**k awful pumpkin pie.
Apparently, everyone is dancing with forced merriness in a style that’s described as the “new old fashioned way.” I don’t know what sort of mental mindf**k this “new old fashioned way” thing might be but I do know that The Shining wasn’t this scary.

There are others – so many others – but I’ve said enough for now. I’ll just end for this year by wishing every reader all the best for 2013.


Lisa McFleeca said...

What a festive piece, so many stars (*)... Well we might get the Scrooge out of you yet!! :-)


Madeline Moore said...

One of the few things I like about Christmas are the carols. But you're not talking about carols, you're talking about songs about Christmas. I think Steven Cobert was right on the money when he sang a Christmas song on his 2011 special that was all about how it would be sung every Christmas from now on and make him a lot of money.

If I were a singer I would do a collection of Christmas carols so I could make money every year too. But I wouldn't sing any of the horrible songs you list, I'd sing "Away In A Manger" and "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and (the weirdest one) "Good King Wenceslas"

The Christmas song I hate the most, which I managed to avoid entirely this year, (but I also avoided turkey and visiting and working myself to death on Xmas Day so it was all entirely new to me and decidedly pleasant) is the one about Grandma getting run over by Santa's sleigh. Some hill-billy song that is beyond acceptance by anyone with any taste whatsoever. Perhaps it's gone for good? One can only pray 'tis so.

Ashley R Lister said...

Lisa - no one will get the Scrooge out of me :-)

Madeline - I was wrong to put the label 'carols' on this lot. These are just those annoying songs that, as you say, make money for people every year. Some carols, sung by children, can be endearing.

And congratulations for avoiding turkey and an excess of working yourself to death. I hope 2013 is a good one for you.


Adele said...

There was a documentary about the making of The fairy Tale of new York. Until Kirsty McColl came along it was on the back-burner. Shane's teeth are stll rotten and he is covered in facial sores.

With all the success and money he made, the teeth should have been sorted - as for the sores - uuuurgh. He wrote about the drunk tank but he looks like he has lived in it for 30 years. Some bloody fairy tale!!! Can't help singing along though Ash.

"Happy Christmas you ***hole!!"

Love ya baby. XXX

Ashley R Lister said...


The fact that this singer is as renowned for his bad teeth as for his singing ability says a lot about his talent.

Merry Christmas to your ***hole too.