Tuesday, 21 February 2012

How I Feel About the "Novels" of Katie Price...

Jordan and her ghostwriter Rebecca Farnworth

This week’s theme, ‘literary fiction vs commercial fiction’, has the potential to be dangerous. It has the potential to evoke great mists of anger. And, contained within these mists are small glass orbs of sulphuric acid, suspended by nothing more than strings of self-restraint...

One word is capable of making me run for the scissors. One name makes me want to cut the strings, cause the fragile orbs to fall and allow the acid to burn massive holes through titles such as Angel,  Crystal and Sapphire. These are not the writings of a spiritual hippie on a path of enlightenment – if they were, I would probably hate them a little less – but rather they are (just a few of) the “novels” “by” Katie (aka Jordan) Price.

*The presence of scare quotes around both ‘novels’ and ‘by’ is deliberate and completely justified. I refuse to state, acknowledge or use the literal meaning of these two words when placed in the same context as said page three model for the following reasons:

1) A ‘novel’ is generally thought to mean: an invented prose narrative that is usually long and complex – and I don’t believe for one minute that Jordan is capable of writing anything longer or more complex than a shopping list. (Please make sure that all hate mail uses correct grammar and punctuation. Thank you.)

2) The preposition ‘by’ can be employed to indentify the agent performing the action, e.g. a novel  [written] by Tolstoy. Therefore, given that Jordan has a ghostwriter, I would argue that it is not correct to write: a novel written by Katie Price, given that she hasn’t actually engaged in the act of writing (her ghostwriter has).

 However, despite this fact, I will continue to allow her to be the object of my disdain...

...Because it’s difficult to make voodoo dolls of the unknown, spectre –like, Rebecca Farnworth.

...Because publishers accept a name before they accept a manuscript.

...Because our celebrity obsessed society insists on buying a name rather than a novel.

...Because we value fame over talent.

...Because bookshops merely roll over and indulge immature palates.

...Because I walked into Tesco in 2009*, and saw Sapphire “by” Katie Price placed at number one in the book charts – and despaired.

*It was also on this same night, in Tesco, that I decided to rewrite the charts. Removing all of Jordan’s “books” and replacing them with Ian McEwan’s On Chisel Beach (which was number fifteen in the charts).

For me, the literary verse commercial fiction battle will only ever result in one winner. Literary fiction is literature that has the ability to last – to be read, enjoyed and sought years, decades, even centuries after the author has died. I very much doubt that the “novels” of Jordan will survive the test of time, and if they do then maybe society really is doomed.

But for now, the “novels” “by” Katie Price will remain as a pet hate; they are that one thing that I really wish I could throw into the Room 101.

Thank you for reading,


Lindsay said...

Completely justified post there Lara. I love the idea of you changing the shelves in the supermarket. The whole thing makes me despair.

Ashley R Lister said...

Quit sitting on the fence, Lara. Do you like Jordan or don't you?



Danielle Rose said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ste said...

I want to know what comment was deleted! Does Jordan follow this blog? I agree with just about all of this and, like Lindsay said, I love the mental image of you rearranging the books in ASDA - you, my dear, are a literary terrorist, get thee to Guantanamo!

I don't quite agree with the definition of literary fiction. Is Harry Potter literary? I have a sneaking suspicion it'll be read many, many years from now. I would expand on this but it fits nicley into my topic for tomorrow so I'll stay schtum for now.

Great post as always ;)

vicky ellis said...

Lara, I hope you know I just decided what to buy for your birthday this year :)

I do think that Katie Price is capable of writing a novel, if she were allowed to do so. I don't think they should use a ghostwriter to create something banal which they can pin her name to. I bet if you let her really rip with a pen and paper she'd come up with something far more interesting and surreal. Especially if you locked her in a room somewhere remote for a few months with nobody to talk to.

Nice work with the Tesco Terrorism :)

Ste said...

I's assume, seeing as you're the author of the post then the author of the comment must have removed it. Then again, I did try to comment earlier and got distracted so it might have been my abortive attempt. Who knows? I'm still saying Katie Price follows our blog.

Shaun said...

Guys, clicking through to the individual page reveals the mystery deleter (whom we all know and like actually- but a knowing KP fan).

Ste- I was talking to Lar about the old JK thing- my opinion is that the first one was solid children's lit, the sequels created for public demand come dangerously close. That said, I don't think anyone would say that the last LOTR is pure commercialism. I'm looking forward to your post actually- wondering where you will take a bit of a touchy subject. For fear of stepping on toes, I'll shush.

PS Lara, I never comment on your posts but I have to say, that picture made my afternoon. Good blog babe.

Kevin said...

Jordan/ Katie Price/ Lassie come home - Whatever you want to call that thing - also brings me distress, but she's not totally to blame. We're living in the 'famous for being famous' era, and it truly saddens me. Blame the idiots who buy the books. I wish Jordan did follow this blog, I'd tell her to her face what a dirty little whore she was - a crass, pathetic and 'offensive to the eye' person. She's in my top 5 of celebs who I love to hate. Long live Queen Bitch Katie, for who could I hate with such vigour, if Katie were to pass away? eyserli