Dear God

My name is Ashley and I’m a writer. Although, with you being omnipotent, you probably knew that already. That said, looking round the world today, I’m beginning to suspect that you’re far from omnipotent. If anything, you’re probably more short-sighted than Mr Magoo with his eyes closed and a bad case of conjunctivitis, during a fog, at night.

So, keeping that in mind, I suppose it would be best if I write this letter, rather than letting you omnipotently read my thoughts.

I have to start by saying there are many things that are working well. I like the internet, I like my BlackBerry and nature, and I thought the Harry Potter books were very good. Especially Hermione. Well done God.

But not everything is quite as good as the aforementioned pinnacles of achievement.

And, whilst there are lots of things I could whine about, because this week’s theme on the blog refers to war, I figured it would be appropriate to ask you some questions and possibly offer some advice.

Why do these wars keep happening, God? Most often they happen in your name. One group of religious tosspots will decide that they pray better than another group of religious tosspots. We’re then overwhelmed by genocide, tragedy and heartbreaking stories of dulce et decorum est. Worse still, we get news footage on the TV with all the shaky camerawork of the Blair Witch Project and all the explosions of a Michael Bay film. That’s not a good combination. These are all potential triggers for epilepsy.

Now I know that not all wars are your fault, God. I appreciate that many of the modern ones are due to certain countries wanting to steal oil from certain other countries.

But a lot of the really crap stuff in this world happens because one group of morons believes they have a God-given right to kill another sect of morons. And as so much of this is being done in your name, I think it’s time you took responsibility with the following 5 Point Plan to bring about world peace:

1. Stop creating morons who believe in God. I really don’t think it helps the situation having a slowly growing number of moronic believers filling up the planet. I don’t think there has wever been a situation where someone cries, “Quick! It’s urgent! I need a believer.” We have enough sheep. It’s time to create a few more shepherds.

2. Issue a new set of commandments that explicitly state: Thou shalt not fight in wars. You can lose one of those pointless commandments from the original list such as the stuff about honouring parents, coveting asses, or not taking Your name in vain. Personally, I think those were only there as fillers and just got carried through to the final draft as printer’s errors. In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that not having wars would be more indicative of a good way of living rather than not coveting asses etc.

3. Smite a few of the warmongers. Nothing stops war faster than a good bout of smiting. Word would get round pretty quickly. Those world leaders involved in genocide, mass murder and the control of oil-rich countries would quickly understand that God was unhappy with their actions and I suspect they would cease and desist with surprising alacrity.

4. Don’t let good things happen to bad people. Crap like that reinforces a sense of injustice. Sit through King Lear. Read some of those news stories about lottery winners with ASBOs. Have a look at the wealth bestowed on the leaders of these warring countries and compare it to the poverty facing all those others who’ve never waged a war on anyone. Honestly, you need to get a grip on crap like that. To those of us with only a marginal interest in these things, it makes it look like you don’t know what you’re doing.

5. Ask J K Rowling to write Hermione De Jour. I appreciate that this has little to do with wars and violence, but I figured I’d mention the idea whilst we were exchanging correspondence.

Seriously, God. It’s a good planet with the internet and nature and Harry Potter books. Stop screwing it up with these unnecessary wars.

Yours sincerely,

Ashley Lister