How I remember it

By Ashley Lister

The first time the Dead Good Poets got together was in a college classroom on 29^th January 2009.  I was there. I’ve written down the way things happened exactly so that there’s no danger of these recollections being affected by fading memory.

INT. DAY: Corridor outside THE CLASSROOM.

ELIZA DUSHKU and HERMIONE GRANGER are talking in the corridor. Both are holding flyers for a Dead Good Poets event. Both are wearing bikinis and their skin glistens with crystal-like raindrops from a recent downpour.

Eliza Dushku

[Holding up a flyer]

Hello, Hermione Granger. I’m looking for the room where Ashley is reading one of his wonderful poems.

Hermione Granger

[Glancing at the doorway for THE CLASSROOM. We see a glint in her eye that says, ‘If I can’t have him, then no one can have him.’

She pushes her own flyer behind her back so that ELIZA DUSHKU cannot see what she is holding.]

I do not know of any poetry reading or any wonderful, sexy poets called Ashley. But I’d heard they were doing a reading on the other side of Blackpool. He might be there.

Eliza Dushku

I do not believe you, Hermione Granger, and I think we should wrestle in custard until one of us proves to be the victorious winner of a girl-on-girl fight.

Hermione Granger

Very well, Eliza Dushku, although I should warn you that I intend to tear off your bikini before…

CUT TO:INT. DAY: Inside THE CLASSROOM.

The scene is busy and packed like Wembley Stadium ready for a JLS concert or a Nickleback concert or even a football match with lots and lots of fans. There are also some sandwiches.

David Cameron

[Shouting angrily at Ashley]

If you read that poem in front of these students, I shall leave here and form a government that screws over the country.

Ashley

[Heroically]

Don’t make me laugh, Cam-Moron. No one would vote for you.

David Cameron

[With obvious doubt]

Maybe not. But perhaps I’ll form a coalition government.

Ashley

[Suddenly worried – but still heroic and handsome]

You wouldn’t, would you?

CAMERON rushes from the room, chuckling maniacally and rubbing his hands together, and maybe stealing the pension book from an old person as he runs past them. And probably kicking a blind man’s guide dog.

ASHLEY looks like he is about to heroically pursue CAMERON and maybe do some bad-ass ninja moves on him.

Before ASHLEY can follow, DAVINA McCALL clutches ASHLEY’s arm and pushes a microphone in his face.

Davina McCall

Ashley – are we OK to have a quick chat with you live on camera before the inaugural event of the Dead Good Poets (who haven’t yet been named) begin their first reading?

Ashley

[Humbly]

Davina, whilst I’d love to chat with you about how brilliant I and the rest of the (as yet unnamed) poets are, don’t you want to do some interviews with Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Paris Hilton, Johnny Depp and all the other celebrity guests that we’ve got attending here for our inaugural event?

Davina McCall

[Looking disappointed]

You’re right, Ashley. And I hear the Pope and Jesus are about to enter the room with Michael Jackson (who is still alive because this is all happening in 2009) so I should go and have a chat with them.

Ashley

Very well, Davina. And I shall take a chair and sit with the other brilliant and wonderful poets who are going to change the face of North West poetry in the UK. And I shall wait for this event to begin. And then I shall contribute in a small and very humble way. And I’m not even slightly tempted to go outside and see what those two women are squealing about in the corridor.

CUT TO: INT. DAY: Corridor outside THE CLASSROOM.

ELIZA DUSHKU and HERMIONE GRANGER are wrestling in a vat of thick yellow custard.

FIN

Read More

Dear God

My name is Ashley and I’m a writer. Although, with you being omnipotent, you probably knew that already. That said, looking round the world today, I’m beginning to suspect that you’re far from omnipotent. If anything, you’re probably more short-sighted than Mr Magoo with his eyes closed and a bad case of conjunctivitis, during a fog, at night.

So, keeping that in mind, I suppose it would be best if I write this letter, rather than letting you omnipotently read my thoughts.

I have to start by saying there are many things that are working well. I like the internet, I like my BlackBerry and nature, and I thought the Harry Potter books were very good. Especially Hermione. Well done God.

But not everything is quite as good as the aforementioned pinnacles of achievement.

And, whilst there are lots of things I could whine about, because this week’s theme on the blog refers to war, I figured it would be appropriate to ask you some questions and possibly offer some advice.

Why do these wars keep happening, God? Most often they happen in your name. One group of religious tosspots will decide that they pray better than another group of religious tosspots. We’re then overwhelmed by genocide, tragedy and heartbreaking stories of dulce et decorum est. Worse still, we get news footage on the TV with all the shaky camerawork of the Blair Witch Project and all the explosions of a Michael Bay film. That’s not a good combination. These are all potential triggers for epilepsy.

Now I know that not all wars are your fault, God. I appreciate that many of the modern ones are due to certain countries wanting to steal oil from certain other countries.

But a lot of the really crap stuff in this world happens because one group of morons believes they have a God-given right to kill another sect of morons. And as so much of this is being done in your name, I think it’s time you took responsibility with the following 5 Point Plan to bring about world peace:

1. Stop creating morons who believe in God. I really don’t think it helps the situation having a slowly growing number of moronic believers filling up the planet. I don’t think there has wever been a situation where someone cries, “Quick! It’s urgent! I need a believer.” We have enough sheep. It’s time to create a few more shepherds.

2. Issue a new set of commandments that explicitly state: Thou shalt not fight in wars. You can lose one of those pointless commandments from the original list such as the stuff about honouring parents, coveting asses, or not taking Your name in vain. Personally, I think those were only there as fillers and just got carried through to the final draft as printer’s errors. In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that not having wars would be more indicative of a good way of living rather than not coveting asses etc.

3. Smite a few of the warmongers. Nothing stops war faster than a good bout of smiting. Word would get round pretty quickly. Those world leaders involved in genocide, mass murder and the control of oil-rich countries would quickly understand that God was unhappy with their actions and I suspect they would cease and desist with surprising alacrity.

4. Don’t let good things happen to bad people. Crap like that reinforces a sense of injustice. Sit through King Lear. Read some of those news stories about lottery winners with ASBOs. Have a look at the wealth bestowed on the leaders of these warring countries and compare it to the poverty facing all those others who’ve never waged a war on anyone. Honestly, you need to get a grip on crap like that. To those of us with only a marginal interest in these things, it makes it look like you don’t know what you’re doing.

5. Ask J K Rowling to write Hermione De Jour. I appreciate that this has little to do with wars and violence, but I figured I’d mention the idea whilst we were exchanging correspondence.

Seriously, God. It’s a good planet with the internet and nature and Harry Potter books. Stop screwing it up with these unnecessary wars.

Yours sincerely,

Ashley Lister

Read More