Acton Impulse

Some think that Acton Impulse is the name of a west London ice-hockey franchise, runners-up in the National Ice Hockey League in 1984, 1987, 1988 and 2003. Others claim it was a popular model of 500cc motorbike that was manufactured between the world wars by AMW (the Acton Motorcycle Works).

Both are eminently plausible suppositions, but they can't both be right, can they? No, of course not. In fact neither of them is remotely true. As if...

Instead I would have you believe a much more fanciful explanation: that the Acton Impulse was a complex and beautifully-crafted piece of machinery - judge for yourselves from the illustration below - designed and built by a couple of visionary transatlantic geniuses, the brothers Acton in the early 20th century, to allow random decisions to be made quickly with absolute authority and confidence in the most trying of circumstances.

the marvellous Acton Impulse random decision generator

How might the proud and lucky owner of an Acton Impulse use it, typically? Well, for instance, if he were the somewhat bored master of the house he might, on a rainy Saturday morning after a dilatory breakfast, retire to his study and punch the following options into his Acton:
- pay to fix result of the afternoon's Yankees game
- eat a light bulb
- go on a week-end booze bender
- take wife out to dinner in the city
- hold up the First National Bank
- pick up a couple of floozies
- sit in a darkened room until hallucinating
- swim the Hudson river
- read Aristotle's Ethics at one sitting
then pull the lever and wait to see which impulse he would have to act on.

And if she were the somewhat at-a-loose-end mistress of the house (while her man was out perhaps swimming the Hudson river), she might well sneak into his study and type  the following options into the gleaming machine:
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for shoes
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for handbags
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for lingerie
- dance naked in the rose garden in the rain
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for frocks
- nearly strangle husband to death with pantyhose
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for cosmetics
- throw Acton Impulse out of the study window
- go on 5th Avenue shopping spree for fur coat
then pull the lever and wait to see which impulse she would have to act on.

Of course it wasn't long before the Acton Impulse gained popularity far beyond the domestic market. It was soon in regular use in the halls of government of God's greatest nation, which explains a lot!

Finally, for all of those millions who couldn't afford the capital outlay of an Acton, eventually along came George Cockcroft, alias Luke Rhinehart, the Diceman - but that's a whole other story.

By the way, the Acton Impulse determined that I shouldn't write or include a poem this week, so sorry about that; (not my decision you understand).

Anyway, thanks for reading, S ;-)