To My Daughter

To My Daughter On Being Separated from Her on Her Marriage

To My Daughter On Being Separated from Her on Her Marriage

To My Daughter On Being Separated from Her on Her Marriage

By Anne Hunter

Dear to my heart as life’s warm stream

   Which animates this mortal clay,

For thee I court the waking dream,

   And deck with smiles the future day;

And thus beguile the present pain

With hopes that we shall meet again.

Yet, will it be as when the past

   Twined every joy, and care, and thought,

And o’er our minds one mantle cast

   Of kind affections finely wrought?

Ah no! the groundless hope were vain,

For so we ne’er can meet again!

May he who claims thy tender heart

   Deserve its love, as I have done!

For, kind and gentle as thou art,

   If so beloved, thou art fairly won.

Bright may the sacred torch remain,

And cheer thee till we meet again!

Poetry ought to be collected, like soft pillows, about oneself.  You never know which one you will require at a given moment, but it’s safer to keep them all around – so that they can lift or support you when the moment is right.  

This poem by Anne Hunter chimes with me at the moment.  No, my daughter isn’t marrying but she is a young woman now and is soon to turn sixteen.  It’s the first of a series of customary coming of age markers which reveal that she now able to smoke (or continue to berate others for doing so), play the lottery (or keep her pounds to spend on pretty things) and even marry (or the modern, less expensive equivalent).  

I find it difficult to express the closeness of my relationship with my daughter but these lines rang true:

For thee I court the waking dream,

   And deck with smiles the future day; 

The image of decking a day with smiles makes me think of all the times, as a mother, you feel tired or gloomy but are able to put those feelings away, instead igniting the warmth of a home fire for your children.  That fire would be impossible without them.  It’s the reciprocation which enables the flames.  Their enthusiasm and guileless honesty inspires in you the effort to mirror that openness to a ‘waking dream’ in which anything is possible and goodness is present in abundance.

And o’er our minds one mantle cast

   Of kind affections finely wrought?

Hunter clearly felt this same closeness to her daughter, which feels so different to any other relationship.  The mantle is present when we are alone, giggling, exchanging shared observations and memories, jumping to the same conclusion simultaneously and finishing each other’s sentences.  In those moments, we are as one mind, with absolute affection for each other, knowing that we will be there for each other whatever the storms beyond that mantle; that this cloak of affection protects us to some considerable measure from anything the outside world might throw at us.

Bright may the sacred torch remain,

And cheer thee till we meet again!

But daughters do leave the home.  Perhaps not to marry, perhaps to study or to work.  That is, after all, the reason for our mothering efforts.  We want them to thrive beyond the mantle.  So we feed the torch while they are so close, knowing that it will continue to shine for them wherever they travel.  Knowing that, should it start to dim, they can always return to replenish that flame.  And when my daughter comes home, from wherever she travels, she will reignite my torch too.  And we’ll deck our days with smiles whenever we think of each other.

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The Most Important Thing in the World

The most important thing in the world is to be kind.

This is the lesson my mother taught me.  She taught me lots of things, obviously, but this one vital idea was repeated many times over the years.  If this is your doctrine, you don't need other rules, because this covers most eventualities. 

Kindness is a modest proposal.  It requires understanding and empathy towards each other along with the extra effort of being helpful and generous. 

One of the stories of Enid Blyton which always stayed with me was The Girl Who Was Left Behind which appeared in her Stories for Bedtime book.  The tale involves a young girl who is on her way for a day out, with her school, at the beach.  She has been looking forward to the day out for some time.  On her way to catch the bus, she sees a boy fall off his bicycle.  Although she knows she will miss the bus, and her day out, she stops and helps the boy, walking him home to his mother who is so moved by the kindness that she takes the three of them for a day out by the sea in her car (cars were a big deal when this book was written). 

Personally, I know that I've missed many opportunities to be kind simply because I considered myself to be too busy.  It's an easy get out.  There are other excuses which go through my head when I see someone in need.  One of them is the idea that a person begging for money on the street can get help by going to a shelter or through the 'proper channels'.  And maybe they're not really destitute anyway.  Who can tell?

I've watched a neighbour's child run to school in the rain, even though I was driving in that direction, because I didn't want to make my own daughter late (I know - I'm a monster).  I even watched my neighbours stand outside in the evening while they waited for the gas company to check for a leak because my place was a mess and I was too embarrassed to ask them in (at least it wasn't raining this time).  So much for kindness.

Although I know I do kind things for people regularly, it's the instances when I could have helped and didn't that stick in my mind.  I feel ashamed that I didn't do that little bit.

Recently, I was walking with my daughter in the park.  We were tired and had our arms full of stuff.  A young girl ran up to a bin by the path and tried to put a bag of rubbish into the bin.  The bag split and rubbish fell all over the ground.  I felt sorry for the girl but was planning to carry on my way when my daughter turned to me and handed me her bags.  She ran over to the young girl and told her not to worry, that she would sort it out.  The young girl smiled and ran back to her family.  My daughter picked all the rubbish up and, as it wouldn't fit in the bin, put it back into the bag, re-tying it at the side so it wouldn't spill. 

Last week, this same daughter took part in the GISHWHES international scavenger hunt.  She co-operated with a group of 14 other girls from across the globe.  They did all sorts of crazy things to get points which included making a bikini out of tea bags, helping to break the Guinness World Record for hugs given in a week, covering my car in rubbish, hosting a traditional Japanese tea ceremony in a lift, making an origami crane in the rain, and posting a haiku about waiting in a bus stop. 

If you know how awkward teenagers can find social situations, you'll realise that to do all this meant going beyond their comfort zones.  Which makes me think that making myself late for work or feeling embarrassed isn't so bad compared to the opportunity to help someone in need or cheer someone up. 

Now I happen to know that the bloggers and readers of this blog are incredibly kind people.   My modest proposal is that we all go that little bit further this week and commit to an extra act of kindness.  If you'd like an idea, you can find plenty on the Random Act of Kindness website. 

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