Saturday, 16 November 2013

Scraps

09:00:00 Posted by Ashley Lister , , , 4 comments
 by Ashley Lister 
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 Dear Walls Sausages,
I am writing to ask if your sausage skins are compatible with water silicone lubricants?
Signed,
a curious sausage lover
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Sometimes, when I’m between bouts of writing, teaching or exercises in muffin baking (that’s not a euphemism), I practice origami. I usually make origami football shirts – because the folding sequence on those is easy to remember. I like making them from five pound notes – that is, when I’m trusted with five pound notes. If I don’t have access to such large sums of money, I use scrap pieces of paper that already have some writing on them.
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Idea for a comic strip – Musty: the vomiting tramp. The title is self explanatory. Musty is a homeless Blackpool man possessed by the malevolent spirit of Margaret Thatcher. He goes round upchucking on seagulls and giving BJs in exchange for Subway sandwiches.
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Obviously I don’t always have access to five pound notes. We live under a government filled with Tories so the chances of keeping hold of a five pound note long enough to fold it into a shirt are slimmer than an anorexic’s slice of Christmas cake. Under those circumstances, if I’m not able to get hold money, I search for scraps of paper from around the house.
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Idea for a children’s story – Cuthbert’s Special Friend!
It was a dark and stormy night when Cuthbert first discovered ‘the visitor’ growing out of his anus. “I hope it’s an alien who will talk to me and enjoy being squeezed occasionally,” he thought brightly. “And not just another haemorrhoid that bursts too easily when I’m tugging on it…”
Maybe this can be illustrated? Scratch and sniff?
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Specific origami paper is prohibitively expensive. Consequently, I end up using those scraps of paper that have previously been used before. Sometimes these scraps contained scribbled ideas for stories…
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Idea for an erotic historical novel: Schindler’s Fist!
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…sometimes these are drafts of letters that I should never have sent…
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Dear Jim,
Can you fix it for me to be touched by a creepy old cigar-smoker?
Signed,
a child who grew up suddenly in the 70s
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…and sometimes they are simply the remnants of partially completed things-to-do lists…
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Start with an inappropriate sexual innuendo
Moan about the Tories
Make nob gags
Include an inappropriate reference to haemorrhoids
Steal a vulgar gag about sex in a film title
Do a Jimmy Savile joke
Remind everyone reading that you appreciate them visiting this page.

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Reactions:

4 comments:

Colin Davies said...

Nice work

Ashley R Lister said...

Thank you. I had a giggle with this one.

Ash

Shaun Brookes said...

Love this! Very clever :)

Ashley R Lister said...

Cheers Shaun. This was not an easy theme. I'm amazed any of us managed to say something clever about the theme this week.