Friday, 15 December 2017

Long nights, time to dwell...

I've been going through a rough time over the past few weeks. It's kept me indoors, away from hillwalking, upsetting my system, upsetting the balance of my mind. I began to dwell on things...My husband died just before Christmas 2009, so this time of the year is difficult for me. Thoughts turn to those who we've spent festive seasons with...loved ones, family, friends, pets. Not conjuring up ghosts as such, but images from the past...creating ghosts in our mind. Well at least that's what has happened to me, but even more so this year, for some inexplicable reason.

I didn't want to go out. Didn't want to look out Christmas decorations. Didn't want to eat. Just didn't want to bother. I found myself weeping at odd on the bus, sitting on the prom..What was amiss ?

The weight was dropping off me, I felt anxious, agitated, lethargic, unhappy. I thought the disease I've controlled for years was getting the better of me. A trip to the IBD clinic at the Victoria Hospital. Blood tests, samples. The lot !

Bad thoughts. Might I have to have surgery? Would I ever go hillwalking again ? How would I cope being alone ? Ghostly, ghastly thoughts.

I found the culprit ! A month or so ago I'd been prescribed a rubbing gel with a small dose of Ibuprofen, which I applied in the evening to a swelling on my femur. Two days ago I stopped taking it and I've been transformed. No more ghostly, miserable,anxious thoughts.

Ah ! The ghosts we conjure up. They join us on those dark, long, lonely nights of winter. Be gone I say ! ( Hopefully they have ).
   Days like this
   Nobody told me there'd be days like this-
   Days of loneliness and sorrow.
   Nobody warned me that I'd have days like this,
   When I'd long for a better tomorrow.

   Nobody versed me in these feelings-
   These days of being alone again.
   No one prepared me for these 'down' days
   When glorious sunshine seems like rain.

    Not one person offered this advice-
    That sometimes I'd feel so low.
    No, no one mentioned the possibilities
    That these feelings could be so.

    Now, I offer this advice to one and all-
    Be prepared to feel alone.
    Some days might be full of sorrow,
    But tomorrow those fears will have flown.

   Season's Greetings All.
Thanks for reading my rambles , Kath.



Steve Rowland said...

So pleased you're feeling upbeat again Kath. The devil's in the gel, that's for sure. Keep on rambling and we'll keep on reading :-)

Anonymous said...

You have touched my hart. Made me cry too Kath.