I attract Martyrs and Psychopaths.

I suffer from Catholic guilt without the Catholic part. My mum is Catholic but never brought us up to be, so I get the whole guilt without knowing why. It’s a constant feeling that maybe, everything is my entire fault. Not just a bit of it, EVERYTHING. The bin men are late, did I forget something? Did I get the day wrong? Do I have a degenerative brain disorder which made me get the time they are due wrong?

 If someone treats me badly, I spend hours wondering what I did to make them do that to me. Did I accidentally call them a wanker and not realise it? Did I kick them in the shins and forget I did it? Do I have a form of unconscious tourettes which I immediately forget afterwards? Or am I actually just defective? I question everything. Rather than think “What a tool” and put them on the Dickhead List, I beat myself up endlessly.  For those who never admit blame or feel guilt, I am a treat. They can simply just tell me it’s my fault and I shut up (I also tend to attract these folk as it makes them feel quite good about themselves, and a good percentage of mentally unstable people too).

But I’ve decided to start my own Dickhead List. Guilt is a wasted emotion, and is the least helpful one we can have. The people who should feel guilty at their actions never do, they are too busy blaming other people. So things are going to change. I am no longer taking on other people’s crap and letting them make me feel bad. I’m avoiding the petty minded, the self righteous, and the judgemental like the plague. I’m surrounding myself with happy, positive and funny people, (a little cynicism is ok) and you know what? It’s working, my mind is calm and my life is falling into place. No longer will my guilt be someone’s pleasure.