Shall I Compare Thee to a UV Ray?

I am not here.  I am in Scarborough enjoying the cloud cover because I just can't get enough of these old seaside towns.  There is talk of Norovirus but that hasn't stopped me, intrepid traveller that I am.  As long as I can resist licking the elevator buttons I should survive.  

Currently I am working on a piece of storytelling which is family friendly as it will do doubt surprise you to discover that some of my work has a mildly sexual theme.  Children are not to hear of nudity, passion or dogging until they are 18 years of age at which point there will be a short educational video, presented by Michael Gove, sent to their Facebook page with all contemporary definitions vividly portrayed using the Urban Dictionary as a reference tool.

So, seeing as I am lacking any carefully considered summertime poetry I have cunningly re-written the lyrics to this topical song by Gershwin, written for the opera Porgy and Bess and memorably recorded by the aptly named Billie Holiday.

If you'd like to join in, why not add your own verse of the song in the comments section?  The writer who comes up with the funniest verse wins a button.*


Summertime and the kissin' is greasy
Thieves are huntin' and the UV is shy
Oh, your tabbies itch and your Spa sells black pudding
To hush little babies, feed them pork pies

One of these mornings you're gonna wake up sticky
And you'll spread your toast with a layer of mold
But till that morning, there ain't nothin' can harm you
With Tesco and Starbucks standin' by

One of these mornings you're gonna rise up swinging
And you'll spread your legs for the Neighbourhood Watch
But till that morning, keep your keys in your pocket
With butter and vodka standin' by




*It's a button that I found in the toilets of the Litten Tree on Queen Street in January.  It is black and round.  The winner will be responsible for cleaning the badge.