Shakespeare's Casting Couch

 by Ashley Lister

Now old Shaky Bill

Had a very long quill

And wrote plays filled with kings, queens and knights

But in those bygone days,

To play in his plays,

You first had to get in his tights.

Of course it helped no end

That Shakespeare liked men

He chose all those that liked his caresses.

(His roles for women

Are surprisingly thin

And were all played by blokes who wore dresses).

Now it might sound rude

And it’s possibly crude

To say this was how he cast his plays

But we’ve all watched TV

And it’s quite plain to see

That’s how most stuff’s still cast nowadays.

I’ve seen those folks

Who’re in Hollyoaks,

And I’ll try saying this with some tact

The show does well on balance

But the cast have no talents:

No one’s on there because they can act.

This same problem plagued Bill

Though he bore no ill will –

He’d hold auditions backstage and disrobe

And he’d say to each player

As he took off each layer:

“I’ve got a large part for you in the Globe.”