By Ashley Lister
I know they say it
happens to most guys. I know they say it’s no big deal. I know they say that
worrying about it can make it more of a problem than the problem itself. But
last night was the first time it’s happened to me. Last night was the first
time I didn’t attend a meeting of the Dead Good Poets.
I have a reason.
This blog entry is getting posted live on Saturday morning
whilst I’m in London for the first day of Eroticon 2013. I’ll be a guest
speaker at the event on Sunday and on Saturday evening I’ll be sharing a couple
of my favourite pieces of poetry with some discerning Eroticon delegates. I
have more information about Eroticon on my other blog: How to Write Erotic Fiction.
But I did want to apologise to everyone who I missed seeing
at last night’s event. Rest assured I’ll try not to let it happen again and I’ll
be there for the event on Friday 5th April when we get together to share
poetry on a theme of Shakespeare.
Until then - xxx
Ash
PS - I asked Colin Davies if he would share this poem at the event. It was inspired during one of Vicky Ellis's superlative writing workshops.
PS - I asked Colin Davies if he would share this poem at the event. It was inspired during one of Vicky Ellis's superlative writing workshops.
Chavs in the
Gingerbread House
By Ashley Lister
(with thanks to Vicky Ellis)
Two chavvy kids, caught by a wee-atch
(learning ‘karma is a bee-atch;)
They walked through forests, dales and nettles:
This is the story of Hansel and Gretel.
“Let’s go eat that old bag’s walls,”
Said Hansel – cos he had got balls.
“We’ll leave her homeless,” Gretel said,
“As we eat her house of gingerbread.”
Those little gits (this is amazing)
Ate through all her double glazing.
Chewing, chomping: gnaw, gnaw, gnaw,
The munched their way through her front door.
But when they got their collars felt
They act like butter wouldn’t melt.
And both of them show their outrage
When the woman locks them in a cage.
Both the little chavs went bats
“You’ve caged us like a pair of rats.
Let us go you skanky bee-atch.
We’ll dob you in for being a wee-atch.”
At this the old witch let them free.
And said, “I’m sorry for troubling ye…”
She gave them sweets and bade them play
And Hansel and Gretel ran away.
And this is why this story sucks
Because these two aren’t kids – they’re crooks.
They damaged property, spoilt her home.
And did rude things with a garden gnome.
They called her names and ate her stuff
This “punishment” isn’t good enough.
Bring back the birch, bring back the chair
Show these two that life’s not fair.
Don’t let them free, don’t let them roam.
Stick them in a children’s home.
And if that doesn’t help these critters:
We’ll get the McCanns as babysitters.