Saturday, 24 March 2012

Dear God

My name is Ashley and I’m a writer. Although, with you being omnipotent, you probably knew that already. That said, looking round the world today, I’m beginning to suspect that you’re far from omnipotent. If anything, you’re probably more short-sighted than Mr Magoo with his eyes closed and a bad case of conjunctivitis, during a fog, at night.

So, keeping that in mind, I suppose it would be best if I write this letter, rather than letting you omnipotently read my thoughts.

I have to start by saying there are many things that are working well. I like the internet, I like my BlackBerry and nature, and I thought the Harry Potter books were very good. Especially Hermione. Well done God.

But not everything is quite as good as the aforementioned pinnacles of achievement.

And, whilst there are lots of things I could whine about, because this week’s theme on the blog refers to war, I figured it would be appropriate to ask you some questions and possibly offer some advice.

Why do these wars keep happening, God? Most often they happen in your name. One group of religious tosspots will decide that they pray better than another group of religious tosspots. We’re then overwhelmed by genocide, tragedy and heartbreaking stories of dulce et decorum est. Worse still, we get news footage on the TV with all the shaky camerawork of the Blair Witch Project and all the explosions of a Michael Bay film. That’s not a good combination. These are all potential triggers for epilepsy.

Now I know that not all wars are your fault, God. I appreciate that many of the modern ones are due to certain countries wanting to steal oil from certain other countries.

But a lot of the really crap stuff in this world happens because one group of morons believes they have a God-given right to kill another sect of morons. And as so much of this is being done in your name, I think it’s time you took responsibility with the following 5 Point Plan to bring about world peace:

1. Stop creating morons who believe in God. I really don’t think it helps the situation having a slowly growing number of moronic believers filling up the planet. I don’t think there has wever been a situation where someone cries, “Quick! It’s urgent! I need a believer.” We have enough sheep. It’s time to create a few more shepherds.

2. Issue a new set of commandments that explicitly state: Thou shalt not fight in wars. You can lose one of those pointless commandments from the original list such as the stuff about honouring parents, coveting asses, or not taking Your name in vain. Personally, I think those were only there as fillers and just got carried through to the final draft as printer’s errors. In the grand scheme of things, I think it’s fair to say that not having wars would be more indicative of a good way of living rather than not coveting asses etc.

3. Smite a few of the warmongers. Nothing stops war faster than a good bout of smiting. Word would get round pretty quickly. Those world leaders involved in genocide, mass murder and the control of oil-rich countries would quickly understand that God was unhappy with their actions and I suspect they would cease and desist with surprising alacrity.

4. Don’t let good things happen to bad people. Crap like that reinforces a sense of injustice. Sit through King Lear. Read some of those news stories about lottery winners with ASBOs. Have a look at the wealth bestowed on the leaders of these warring countries and compare it to the poverty facing all those others who’ve never waged a war on anyone. Honestly, you need to get a grip on crap like that. To those of us with only a marginal interest in these things, it makes it look like you don’t know what you’re doing.

5. Ask J K Rowling to write Hermione De Jour. I appreciate that this has little to do with wars and violence, but I figured I’d mention the idea whilst we were exchanging correspondence.

Seriously, God. It’s a good planet with the internet and nature and Harry Potter books. Stop screwing it up with these unnecessary wars.

Yours sincerely,

Ashley Lister



Wordrabbit said...

Dear Ashley, I am responding to your letter via one of your reader as my laptop is in at PC world for repair. Things take too long to download and it turns out laptops actually fit through windows. I hope I cleared my internet cache, spose I could use the same excuse as Pete Townsend but actually write a book.

Anyway, thanks for the compliments, yeah the internet is cool and nature, bit smelly but works for me. Can't take the credit for Harry Potter. J K did a trade with the basement crew for that chestnut, her soul, her choice.

Right wars, look Ashley, I have to have them coz of you lot won't stop breading. I've tried to warn you with aids, famine and Jerrmy Kyle but you just don't listen. And I really thought Jerrmy Kyle would have stopped you lot wanting to bread. So basically, there are to many of you and wars have always worked in the past. I hope this answers your question.

Kind regards

Via Colin Davies

Standard said...

A 5 Point Plan for deities in recovery? Love it. I can just imagine the support group 'My name's Jehova and I'm a smiter' everyone applauds (causing earthquakes down here) as Jehova takes his seat next to Baal. 'Welcome Jehova, tell us about your family)

There you go Vicky, there's your next scene - Greek gods in Addaction!

I am now officially tickled. Better start to the day than caffeine - nice on Ash :)

Wordrabbit said...

Dear Ashley,

I am responding to your letter via one of your readers due to the fact that my laptop is currently in PC World for repair. My broadband connection is poor and between the download speeds being slow and the inconvenience of Laptops actually fitting through windows when thrown, I am currently sans computer. Just hope I cleared the internet cache, oh well, I can use the same excuse as Pete Townsend only I’ll actually publish a book.

Thank you for your compliments, yeah the internet is pretty dam cool :) , and nature, though a bit smelly at times, works for me. I can't take credit for Harry Potter, that was a deal done between J K and the basement stalkers. Well it her soul so, ho hum.

Right, you issue with wars, well what can I say, you lot need them. I've tried to slow your rate of growth down by introducing such thing as Aids, Famine and Jeremy Kyle. I genuinely thought that seeing what your DNA could become by placing it on the Jeremy Kyle show would stop most of you breading.

Anyway, 7 billion people is too many. You've worked out how to give childless couples children, including those of the same sex; You've fed the hungry thanks to Saint Geldoff, I mean, who does he think he is, me; And you've even worked out how to have a war with less death. Come on! I'm trying here.

I've thrown it all at you, earthquakes, giant waves, Simon Cowell.

Just stop having babies, let the population fall naturally, then I can stop all this suffering.

I hope this has help answer you question.

Kind regards


P.S. I agree with your comments about Hermione being more De Jour.

Ashley R Lister said...


I could see all these gods in one room, and maybe being addressed by someone from personnel or HR with a powerpoint demonstration on H&S or E&D.

That's a visual I'm going to hold until I', next in the Teaching & Learning Centre.


Ashley R Lister said...


Please thank God for taking the time to respond. I hadn't realised that Harry Potter was the product of a satanic force so I shall probably now start praying to that lot. Basically I pledge my colours to whichever deity can organise a winning lottery ticket for me.

I do hope God's reading tomorrow's blog post when Adam posts.

And - for those reading this who don't know Colin - this is a link to his most recent (and very excellent) book:


Wordrabbit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wordrabbit said...

Thanks Ash,

Though I had no idea God had done this. He seems to have used my Google Account.

I have been Graped by God

vicky ellis said...

:D Graped...

Standard - Consider that idea formally knicked. Ta.

Nice one Ash. I think I've mentioned before but I'm going to continue to assume you're only interested in her in the last couple of films...

Ashley R Lister said...

Of course! My Hermione poem that I read at the DGPS event included the refrain:

"For I have loved you ever since/ You first turned legal in the Half Blood Prince."

What do you think I am? (rhetorical question)