If Only I'd Known

'If only I'd known.....'

It sounds so poignant, so full of longing and regrets.  And yet I think life should be lived with as few regrets as possible. After all, every experience, good or bad, makes us what we are.  Would we have done things differently if 'we'd known'? Maybe we do regret choices we've made, but then it's up to us to learn from those mistakes.  They're all part of life's rich tapestry. 

I'm not into religion or psychic phenomena or paranormal practices, but I've always been a big believer in fate, in terms of how one event might be the catalyst for a further string of happenings.

If only I'd known….

……when I hid round the back of that building to avoid a first date with a new boyfriend, that he would wander round that way, without thinking, link my arm and lead me, smiling and chatting, into the coffee bar - and still be by my side forty five years later, would I have done anything differently? Would I have hidden more carefully? Covered my tracks? Unlinked my arm? It's unthinkable now that our lives might have veered off in different directions.  I didn't know, but now I do.

We made it....

If only I'd known….

….last year, that using Dave's car to nip to Cleveleys and pick up a few bits for our weekend away would result in a severely broken arm and two operations (for him), a missed wedding and a cancelled holiday.  Would I have been more organised and had everything ready, so no last minute trip was necessary? Would I have left the car and jumped on a tram? Would I have warned him not to hang a carrier bag from the handlebars of his bike? If only I'd known.....but I didn't. The experience was tough but we got through it and I'd like to think it made us both stronger.

If only I'd known….

…..when we booked our joint 60th birthdays celebration trip to Cuba that the husband was about to injure himself skiing, Cuba would be postponed, and having left insurance till the last minute we wouldn't get a penny back. If only I'd known......but I didn't. We went later in the year and met some lovely people, I took some interesting pictures and that led to my first exhibition.  My first exhibition led to meeting more lovely people, gaining in confidence, becoming part of the Blackpool creative set, getting commissions and starting a new career at the grand old age of sixty.  Things really do happen for a reason.  Or is it that we make the reasons after the event?

If only I'd known.......

…..when I thought I had food poisoning that I was actually in labour, and only an hour from giving birth; that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, however distant it seems; that sometimes being good enough is all that's needed; that my babies wouldn't always be tiny and cute; that teenagers grow into adults; and that, even if they don't tell you so often, your children do still love you; that dieting for fifty years wouldn't make me thinner, just hungry and miserable; that people are unreliable; that things aren't always black or white; that failure is as important as success; that marriage isn’t always easy, but it sure is worth battling on; and that family, friends and, above all, love are all that matter.

But I did know that, yes, I really did know that.

If only I'd known by Jill Reidy

That dress did nothing for me

My hair was so brash

The shoes far too high

The rum and coke was a bad idea

He was as nervous as I was

He wasn't worth it

He didn't love me

My tears would eventually dry

My dad was right

In the grand scheme of things

None of it

None of it

Not one little bit of it

Mattered at all

Thanks for reading         Jill

Read More

Regrets / Guilt / Remorse - Stupid Arguments!

Stupid arguments ..... we've all had them at some point in our lives. They leave us with feelings; Regret, guilt, remorse, or justification, victory, superiority.  But it's how we deal with those disagreements that proves our worth. I much prefer to agree to disagree. I don't like confrontation, never have, so will always try to see things from all perspectives in order to feel any kind of satisfaction about the situation.  That said, I have been known to blow up about things from time to time. If I ever get bent out of shape about something, then you know something must be really wrong! I'm typing this blog after a fitful nights sleep. Having been recently diagnosed as severely anaemic, I am tired and irritable. Ideal ingredients for clashing with others wouldn't you say?

These days, any stupid arguments I have tend to come from trying to reason with my son. He's going through a 'bargaining' phase at the moment and will try to make deals to his advantage almost daily. Yesterday, while giving him a bath, it was: "If you let me pour a cup of water over your head, I'll let you wash my hair!" (Something he hates with a passion).  I told him that if he let me wash his hair, and it hurt him in any way, then he could pour 5 cups of water over my head! His response was classic: "No deal!".  Anyway, after trying to reason with him some more, and him starting to get almost hysterical about it, I eventually had to promise not to wash his hair while he was in the bath, ever, to calm him down. He's only just started liking baths (he's 6 now), so if I hadn't promised that, he wouldn't have wanted a bath ever again! *Sigh*

We all have stupid arguments in relationships too. When my Hubby was alive we were no exception. In the days before he died, I had argued that he didn't cook anymore, and was leaving the vast majority of bringing up our child to me. I was tired, why couldn't he help a little more?  Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? Obviously, he felt ill. Unfortunately, I was too tired/busy/blind to see the extent of how he was feeling. He never spoke up though. Leaving me with regrets after the fact. Something I have to live with daily.

But sometimes, the most hurtful things aren't said in the heat of an argument. Most people have 'that' conversation about what will happen to the other after we die, at some point in their relationship. We had had that conversation, where I told him that when the time was right, I fully expected him to find someone else and be happy, reasoning that it would be a waste of his life otherwise. I didn't receive the same response. He said he couldn't bear to think of me with someone else .....

Don't get me wrong, I know that he loved me, and that was a cock-eyed way of saying it, but still, it haunts me daily, leaving me feeling guilt just for getting on with my life.  I am 39 next month. That's along time to be alone if I live to my 80's! I want to move on ..... but how can I?

So next time you have a stupid argument, think on! Do you really want those words to be dwelt upon after you've gone? Remember, there are always reasons why someone may feel the way they do; anything from feeling tired and irritable, the weather making them feel narky, or a just reason - they may not just be spoiling for a fight.

I'm afraid there is no poem from me this week. I'm too exhausted to think of one. So please forgive me this one time, while I slink off and take my Iron tablet.

See you next week, bright eyed and bushy tailed (hopefully).  ;-)

Thanks for reading my waffle. x

Read More