Aren’t you a little short for a Viking?

May the Norse be with you.  Walpurgisnacht was on 1st May.  It celebrates Odin's sacrifice by hanging himself from Yggdrasil in order to be re-born ,nine days later, with the knowledge of the Runes.  Homonymic punning on the word 'may' aside, Norse happens to rhyme with force.  Fourth is merely assonance.  I'm just saying.

Star Wars fans care passionately about the films.  I like to think that the underlying reason for this attraction is the incredible gamut of colourful and dubious sexual escapades which are dotted throughout the whom-whom fest.  And so, I present my brief and non-clinical diagnosis of the sexual inclinations of most of the major characters.  I left out Jar Jar because I don't want to end up on a list.

 1) Lando.  Poor Trigger Discipline.  He looks tidy but he longs to be messy.  Liable to go off in your face.

 2) Han. Autoerotic Asphyxiation.  This is as extreme as it gets.  When they defrost him it's not just carbonite that's going to be dribbling off the table.

 3) Leia.  Bondage.  She looks pretty happy on a lead.  Considering what she gets up to when she's free, it's probably for the best (see below).

 4) Obi Wan. Date Rape.  Who needs Rohypnol?  "Those are not the nuts you're looking for..."

 5) Boba Fett. One Night Stand Addict - Men and women are lured by the odd green disc covering his crotch.  His helmet is always scuffed.

 6) C3PO. Submissive.  Nobody explained that he should keep the roleplay to the bedroom.  'Master, may I lick your shoes?' 'Oh, I'm sorry - he's got a silly sense of humour, haven't you C3PO?' 'But Master I...' 'Zip it Mr Sheen or you'll spend the night in the shed again.' 'Oh Master!'

 7) Chewbacca. Satyriasis.  This furry friend is constantly aroused.  Why else would he wear a permanent sex-face and make those happy little grunts?  Between Chewie and C3PO, Han must feel like he lives in a Chuck Palahniuk novel.

 8) Darth. I dunno.  I feel like he's sticking to vanilla missionary and probably getting lots of it.  I could be wrong.

 9) L'Emperor.  The horror.  He's been ever so scared to touch it since the first time lightning shot from his fingertips.  Poor fella.  It explains a lot though, doesn't it?

10) Luke.  Incest.  In his dreams.  This is what happens when your dad's plain vanilla.  It was the only rebellion that worked.  And he SO wants to be a rebel.  

 11) R2D2.  Frotteurism.  That USB hub never saw him coming.  He didn't even say please.



Here, have a Star Wars Haiku:

ohooooorahwowo wawoanahrracao

wwraanoaoowh caorcworaorc, anahrracao cakwowowa
acrawh acrawhwaanwoc acworc, caoahoaor ahwh acrawhwa
anoowhrr wwhurc acahwawoc scro cacrascwo


If you are one of the tiny minority unable to read Shyriiwook, please paste the haiku into the bottom box of this translator.