One hand? Try doing it with one leg

 By Ashley Lister

 The Ballad of the Blackpool Spiderman

 I’ll tell you a tale of a man who can write

But he got stricken down by a rogue spider’s bite

And it bit on his leg, which swelled up like a blimp

And made walking so painful he’s been left with a limp.

On the first day he saw a small zit on his calf

And it itched like a bitch for a day and a half

By which time it swelled bigger than any man’s legs

And he wondered if his wound was filled with spider eggs

The thought was quite scary – a nightmare tormentor

So he took himself off to the town’s Walk-In Centre.

And he showed off his boo-boo to the nurse there on call

And she prescribed antibiotics but they did chuff all.

It was big and so swollen and so hard as a rock

He thought it a pity it hadn’t bitten him [somewhere else].

Two days later the leg was a raw stump of pain

So he went back to the Walk-in Centre again.

And another nurse said, “Ooh!” and she said he looked sick

And suggested he’d better go to Blackpool Vic

So he did as instructed and his meds got uprated

Which seemed necessary, because his leg was inflated

When the bite burst the stuff that came out looked like custard

But the truth is it actually tasted like mustard

And long story short, the swelling started to shrink

They said he could go home – he was off in a blink.

And now he’s recovering, still resting in bed.

And when he sees spiders: he stamps them ‘til they’re dead.

True story